Will you trade your trial with someone else's one? Will you still do that if the Savior is standing next to you when you're deciding? Our Savior chose our trials for us so we can get the most out of life. In sacrament meeting today, Sister Danielle Lloyd talked about how Court had all kinds of lung and heart problems when he was born. I definitely wasn't paying attention of what the theme supposed to be, but I suddenly came to a realization that I'm grateful that I don't have any of those problems. Even though sometimes my knees and ankles suck, I don't have major health problems that keep me from dancing. After this thought came into my mind, I looked down to the opened hymn book on my lap. Coincidentally, the hymn book opened to Count Your Blessing. I guess that will be my song of the week.  Don't let trials and challenges blind your eyes and make you forget what you have!

"When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done."

You know you are growing old when everyone starts talking to you about dating, marriage, and future. I just had an very interesting conversation with my mom. I still don't know if I like her idea. She is thinking about hooking me up with one of our family friends, but I guess it's the other thing that we talked about got me the most......  

I suddenly remembered long long time ago, there was a guy at Orem High asked me a strange question. After he knew I wanted to be a clinical psychologist, he asked what would I be if I couldn't become a psychologist. I answered I would be a dancer, a sculptor, and a writer. I am actually partially fulfilling what I said. I'm a dancer right now, and maybe do sculpture for fun. I really want to spend more time in art right now.

I feel like I'm going back to my own world. I dislike myself. Or maybe I'm not going back into my cave. I don't know where I'm at. I dislike myself more even for that. Or maybe I shouldn't dislike myself.

So we finished our quickstep routine on Wednesday. We ended up having 10 1/2 sides of quickstep. lol But for some sides, we just run for half of the side so it isn't too bad. It's a super cool routine, and it definitely takes a lot of practice to get it right. I still get some sides mixed up, and I need to get used to Travis's lead. It's harder than I thought to learn another guy's lead, especially I danced with Yuri for 2 years. I knew his lead so well that I felt safe enough to close my eyes and let him lead me through a crowded 270. I guess it just takes time to get used to another guy.

I took my anatomy midterm this afternoon, and I got a 91. Not bad I guess.... I wish I studied more so I could get a higher grade. Now I'm not so sure if I can get an A in this class. It will all depends how I do in my lecture and lab final, and the remaining two lab quizzes.

Now I'm done with all the lecture exams, except the final. Monday is a holiday! So happy. Hopefully I can dance/practice on Monday. And I want a new phone. I want to compete in Vegas in August. I want to do art. I want to smile and laugh. I want to hang out with my friends. I want to be myself. I want you. I want sugar, chocolate, and cake/pastry. I want to sing. I want to go to bed. I want to talk to you. I want to make sense of what I just wrote. Have a nice weekend!

What I Wanted to Say

Dancers are the ones who make impossible possible, the unnatural effortless, and have a smile on their faces so the audience can't see the tears, blood, and sweat behind that step.

You won't know what you lost until you lost it. Kirstyn moved away so I lost my visiting teacher. I got assigned to another sister in the ward, but I don't really like the way she does things. I think I like better how the way Kirstyn and Rebeca did the visiting teachers. We just chatted most of the times, talking about things and our thoughts toward them. They didn't necessary pull out an manual and their notes, and this made me feel like we're friends rather than a girl who they have to visit monthly. I will absolutely miss Kirstyn a lot.

Another thing I've missed already is my old standard partner. Travis is not a bad partner, but he's more of a Latin dancer than I thought... I am trying not to be mean, but I am a little astonished about how we could dance together last semester. If he were a random guy I tried out with, I would not choose him as a partner. It always feels like I'm dancing side by side with him only. He doesn't really lead me to the point I think he should be doing that. Yet, he is teachable. It's possible to teach him all the theories and techniques I have. We're working on a tiny simple lead right now. The leading technique of the week is getting me into promenade... I don't know whether I should cry or laugh. Maybe it's possible to train him to be a more ballroom dancer. Luckily both of us got a common goal to work hard and place in competitions. We are willing to put in a lot of time commitments.

It's funny to see how every partnership works and interacts differently. The way I practice with Yuri doesn't work if I use it on Travis. How I communicate with Travis and what I demand from him can't quite apply to Yuri neither. It'll be interesting to see what kind of Latin partner I will get. If he is very different with Travis' and Yuri's style, I might have a hard time switching my communication styles between them.

After I decided I am going to leave psychology and focus on dance, I finally am able to admit that I love dance to the point that I want to win in competitions and be a professional dancer. I am not sure if giving up further education in psychology is hard for me. Being a clinical psychologist was my only dream since 7th grade, even though I didn't really know what a clinical psychologist was back then. Last three years, I spent more time on and learned more about all these different kind of psychological disorders. I have felt really strongly that this is the way that I can serve my fellow beings and God, but now I give up this dream for something I am even more passionate about. I once thought being a therapist and helping people was the mission of my life, but now I am putting myself and my own psychological state in front of those once-were-my-future-clients. I don't feel really upset about making this decision, but I'm just not sure if it's the right way. Actually is there a right way? Are we supposed to find a job that we love? Is it okay to change my mind at this stage of my life? Just keep dancing, and the answer will come. If it's not okay, it's not the end. =)

The New Season Officially Began!!

So I had my first private lesson on ballroom with Michael today. It's a new and exciting experience. His way of teaching is really interesting, and actually it's kind of like Lee's way of teaching the Gold II Tango, just even more extreme. When we started our lesson this afternoon, Michael just grabbed to dance with him. After he decided what he wanted the choreography to be, he danced with me and showed the steps to Travis for one or two times. Then it's Travis' turn to dance with me. Hmmm... maybe you are wondering if I skipped something. No I didn't. Michael didn't show me my steps AT ALL... Just like what Katie said, he expected me to follow and know the steps. This teaching style definitely is going to take me to a new level. At first, I kind of thought about we would just going to get choreographs from him and techniques from a BYU teacher because that's the cheaper way to go. (My poor wallet...) Now, I really like his style of teaching, and I think I can learn a lot from him, not just on dance techniques, but also on philosophy on dancing. He will be a great coach. I think I'm going to stick with him for the summer at least, since he probably will be the only private lesson I'm going to take. When fall begins, we'll see if I am going to keep taking lessons for smooth and Latin, depends on if Yuri can afford it and if I can find a Latin partner.

So Michael asked me what I came here for. For school? For dance? I said for dance. lol Well technically it was for school, but now school is my dance. So yeah... I stay here for dance. =P

Another interesting thing about today's lesson... I have to put this down because it just cracked me up everytime I think about it. Katie warned me already about how Michael doesn't really have a personal boundary, and after today's lesson, I concluded that he indeed doesn't have any personal boundaries. Before he started choreographing, he grabbed my hand and talked with us for a little while. Then he led me to another corner and started dancing with me. Sometimes he wanted us to re-dance one of the walls for him. He put his hands on both of our backs and walked with us. He totally broke my idea of the relationship between teachers and students. I don't know if I should say he's overly friendly and touchy. Maybe because he has danced way too much, and I came from a non-touching culture, the way he interacts with his students seems a little weird to me.

Anyways, working double hard starting from tomorrow. Smooth routines... checked. Waltz routine... checked. Now I just need to add on some practice time for Latin and ballet, and then my schedule will be overbooked with dance. But who cares? It's dance!!

I randomly started speaking in Chinese today... again... I did it first when I took 284. I totally remembered that. There was a fire alarm so we needed to get out from the wilk. I talked with a girl in class who served her mission in HK, and then I continued my conversation with Katie. Interestingly, I started speaking Cantonese to her, and feeling completely natural to do that. Weird... Today, during practice, I suddenly started speaking in Cantonese again, but I'm totally aware of I'm in a world that speaks English. Yuri probably was asking something like if I could do the step, and then I said yes in Chinese. I wanted to laugh so bad because this was completely random. I was talking to him in English, but I didn't know why I just suddenly switched back to the Chinese channel. lol

Tomorrow will be the first lesson with Michael. So freaking excited!!! Oh  Yuri and I finished choreographing our last two sides of our Waltz. I LOVE it!!

I so don't want to study for the anatomy lab quiz tomorrow. I think I'm a little burnt out. I haven't never studied so hard and so consistently with any of my classes in my entire life. Okay just kidding... Maybe I did a little in my high school junior year... Maybe it's good that I decided to drop my plan of going into graduate school.

P.S.: I need to write to Sarah asap.

Today so far was pretty good, even though I had 6 hours straight of anatomy. I studied for an hour before the lab. I had two hours of lab, and then I spent another three hours in the open lab reviewing what I just learnt in the lab. After I got out of the lab, I took a small drink of water, and then I felt like flowing up. Weird... I ate some chocolates and told myself to breathe, and then I was fine. I walked to and sat down at RB (and am actually waiting for practice), and the back of my head started to hurt a little bit. I guess 6 hours straight of anatomy is not my thing. I haven't never studied that hard and focused for so long of a time. Not even when I was preparing for HKCEE... I still had a few minutes break between classes back then so I could breathe.

We're kind of done with VW for team, and we're starting Samba tomorrow. Pretty excited!! Oh Travis and I finally are able to schedule a lesson with Michael. It's going to be 2p on Wednesday. The funny thing is we don't even know if it's a weekly schedule or just this one time. I'm not so sure if I want him as a coach. He's sooo unavailable. It takes him days to get back to us about what time he can give lessons to us.

I kind of want to try. I think I'm more ready than last year. Everything felt so good today. I wish it would last... Will it? It won't hurt just to try, right? Even if I try, no one can guarantee that this can be something. So why would I worry so much? Afraid that I'm going to lose everything?

Weekly highlight?

I just love to re-read my old journals and re-lived those experiences. It's funny to see how I reacted to things in the past, especially to things related to my middle school crush. lol I was really silly at that time. Maybe when I look back a few years later, I would laugh at myself of this time. But it's always fun to remember what happened each day.

So what happened this week? This was actually a pretty good week, but it felt really long for some reasons. I felt this was like a few weeks into the semester already, yet it's just the second week. I aced both of my lab quizzes and my lecture quiz. I spent two hours in the open lab looking at cadavers today. Dance wise... We had only 30 second left for the team VW routine, and we started like 5 seconds in our Samba routine. All I did in Samba so far is hit and hold a pose that doesn't require much techniques and energy... Lame... Btw, my Samba partner is Jordan, my old Latin partner. I finally could do the wipe out trick in the VW, but I scratched off my epicdermis of my olecranon (elbow), knee, and my lateral mellaolus (outside ankle). I didn't know how to stop myself neither. Oh well... I will get it somedays... before the show... =P Travis and I still haven't quite started our lesson yet because we couldn't get a hold of Michael, but we're thinking about doing the Neveda Star Ball near the end of August. That'll be so much fun. As for Smooth, Yuri and I remembered all our routines, and we're thinking about adding two more sides to our Waltz. That'll be fun to choreography our own routines. I probably surprised a lot of people with my decision of getting a new standard partner. In fact, there's still a small portion of myself doubting if I should do that, but if I want to push harder and become a professional dancer one day, this might be necessary.

I hung out with my friends a lot this week. I went to Toys r Us with Yuri on Wednesday. I watched "I'm Number Four" with Rachael and Yuri last night. I Skyped with Alice this morning. I hung out with Katie before her work today. We had a two-hours chat, and it actually took me an hour to tell my story of the two of us. Oh my heck! It's a super long and complicated story (I could totally write a short story for this), and I didn't realize how complicated the whole situation was till I told the story. We came up with four options for me, and Katie said I better took actions quick if I wanted this to be something. The question is how much I am willing to get out of my comfort zone to make this whole thing work, assuming it could work. I'm still not quite sure about this part, and I don't want to make the same mistake twice. I have never told this story in such a complete version to anyone else. It's good to have someone to talk to and get some advices because I can't do this on my own. To tell or not to tell... That's the question. Well maybe it's time for me to make the move, or should I be satisfied with where we are right now. Am I going to lose everything again? Are there anything I haven't lost yet? Can things get worse? Is the situation bad right now? I hung out with him three times this week, and all those time we spent together made me feel like I still have a chance to fix my mistakes. Is it just my wishful thinking, or it is real?

"Can I start again with my faith shaken?
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right"

Self-discovery 1

This became one of my new favoriates. I don't know if it's just me, but recently I figured out I have two recurrent themes in all my favoriate songs. They're either uplifting and positive song like this one, or they are songs I can relate to, which mostly are love songs. lol But of course, since I dance, now I like a greater variety of songs.

That actually applied to other aspects of my life. When I was in middle school, I watched tons of romance, and that's the only thing I read. My mom actually wasn't really happy with that. =P Now I don't read at all. Also, I can see this element in my quote collection. When I was in my mom's YW class, she had us shared one of our favoriate scriptures. I think I picked 1 Crointhians 13:7, "Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." I remembered my mom said she recognized I always liked those kind of scriptures when we went home. There was once I gave a ride to Ben, and he commented on the CD I was playing in my car. He asked if I'm a country girl. I think I didn't answer that. I just laughed. That CD did have tons of Carrie Underwood's song on it. I like Carrie, but I guess I put on that CD just because that CD was the songs that help me to be positive. It happened to be that a lot of Carrie's songs fall into my categories of positive and uplifting songs. Another interesting discovery about myself...