To Ruth

Dear Ruth,

Suck up and Dance! No more excuses! No more "I can't do it"! If you love it, suck up and practice till you can get it. Be proactive yet follow at the same time. I know it's easier said than done, but one day you'll get it. Time to push yourslef to a new level. It's okay to feel frustrated and disappointed, but don't forget how far you've come and how much you love dancing. Trust and believe that some days your dream will come true. Can you not see how much your balance has improved since last winter semester? Practice hard! Amateurs practice till they get it right, and professionals practice till they never get it wrong. It's your choice. Oh and learn to have fun too.

Love,

Self

"Through tangled thoughts I hear a mockingbird sing. This old world isn't really that bad of place..."

I think I'm almost done with all these ballroom partnering issues. I'm really tired. There are so many things I don't understand. Or maybe I shouldn't blame everything on other people and things.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

So I went Latin dancing with Chelsey and her group last night. It was pretty fun, as long as I was dancing with someone who actually knew how to dance/step with the music. This guy I danced with wasn't that good of a dancer. He always took steps without paying attention to the music. I am already pretty bad at rhythm, but he's even worse. Also, he always turned me in the most uncomfortable timing and to the less comfortable side. Good job! :P

Then I went home before midnight. I was a little hungry so I ate an orange before I went to bed. I woke up with my stomach acting weird at 3ish in the morning. The rest of the story consisted of throwing up and then going back to bed with this really sick feeling in my stomach. I threw up three times already in these two weeks, more than the past 19 years. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I do want to eat oranges. And now I don't really know what to do with the oranges at home.

I woke up this morning to do a service project with one of the BYU stakes. We built a river bed for one of the city park. I laid the rocks for like 2 hours. I'm so proud of myself right now, and I will totally go back and visit that river after the city people let the water into the river.

I don't really want to do homework right now. I want to do some crafts, or take a nap. I think that's what I'm going to do. NAP TIME!!

Get It Right      Glee Cast

What have I done
I wish I could run
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help
Hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
'Cuz my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just want to fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
Oh how many times will it take for me
To get it right
To get it right

Can I start again
With my faith shaken
'Cuz I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay
And face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this

What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
'Cuz my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just want to fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
But how many times will it take for me
To get it right

So I throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah I sent out wish
Yeah I sent up a prayer
Then finally someone will see how much I care

What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
Oh my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just want to fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
Oh how many times will it take
To get it right
To get it right

 ++++++++++++++++

So I didn't make summer team. Reason... I danced like a 280 student with advanced footwork in Waltz, which meant I wasn't using my leg. I'm really frustrated with myself. Almost like all my dance teachers have told me to use my legs, but I just don't. When will I actually grasp this concept? Why my performance can't be more consistent? Absolutely frustrated and disappointed with myself... the end... :'(

So I decided I'm going to let go of this feeling. I'm not going to be sooo obsessed with this silly guy to the point that his words and deeds can drive my feelings. I'm going to be myself. I'm going to have fun in dance and prepare to go to Vegas!! Usually feelings are something that you can let go based on decisions, but I guess I'm tired, really tired. I want some control over my life, and Katie and my mom probably is right. Let's just be friends! =)

And I desperately need to find a Latin partner so I can have a higher chance to go to Vegas. My mom wants me to go to San Francisco with my brother at the end of August, but I would totally rather go to Vegas. >3< Can I just make my own decision this time?

And Rascal Flatts is one of my favorite artists now... Same reason of liking Carrie Underwood... which probably doesn't make any sense to other people.

School starts tomorrow, and I actually miss Gold I Latin so I'm excited. Also, my psychology professor is my home teacher. lol On the syllabus, he said 3 or more absences will result in dropping grade. After he knows that competitions and performances don't get any university excused absences, he said I could just go because he knows I'm a good student and I LOVE ballroom. lol Last night, I facebook-chatted with a guy from my Hong Kong high school. We hadn't talked for like years, but he probably learned from all my status update and videos that I'm into ballroom dance. I just love that I love dance so much that even people don't know me well can tell. Yeah for dance, especially ballroom!

One of my new favorite songs =)

I Won't Let Go -- Rascal Flatts

It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It breaks your will
It feels like that
You think you're lost
But you're not lost
On your own
You're not alone

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh, it finds us all
But we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh, but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let you fall

Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I won't let you down
It won't get you down
You're gonna make it
Yeah, I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Won't let you go
No, I won't

Interesting... I haven't updated my blog for two weeks, but there were actually A LOT of things happened. This probably is a sign of "I'm going to abandon this blog soon". Let's see what happened.

Performance... Actually a few of my friends came and watched. Two that I knew of... It was fun. I practice hard for that, and I think I did my best so I'm good with whatever mistakes I made, maybe...?

Anatomy.... I'm done with it!! I totally screwed up the lab final. I was like one of the bottom 5, or something like that. oosp... Therefore, I studied my brain out for the lecture final. I spent 3 hours the Saturday before, 5 hours on Monday, and then another 10 hours on Tuesday. (I actually threw up right before I went to bed on Tuesday, and I don't usually throw up even when I am super sick. So you know how much my body was sick of anatomy.) Before I took my final on Wednesday, I studied for another 3 hours maybe. And I got a 97% on the final and barely aced the class. Yeah!!

Dance... as usual... Don't want to talk about it right now...

I went to a wedding reception with Yuri and Travis tonight. It's Seth's and Kari's reception. It's kind of fun. Summer term starts on the coming Monday, and 7am team and Gold I latin again...

You know what? I thought I might have a chance of moving out and living in an apartment after next summer, but now obviously not. I'm just so sick of here, and I want to move away from all this mess. I want to grow up. Sometimes you know you don't belong here, but you're stuck here. You're trying to fit in, but all these different forces are pulling you into different directions. Maybe if I don't have all these problems, I will be fine. I'm just worrying too much. If I just focus on dance and cut out everything in my life, I'll be totally fine. Whatever...

I < 3 Dance

I love dance a lot! I like the fact that I can learn about one's personality if I study one's movement style long and deep enough. Well... actually I meant one's movement can more or less reflect one's personality. Travis and I have been working on our Waltz technique. Today we decided each of us have something that we need to work on. He is going to work on catching his weight and not locking his knees. I'm going to work on pushing through and getting my head out there. What we need to work on are exactly opposite to our personality to some extent. When he actually doesn't lock his knees, it feels so much easier and better to dance Waltz with him.

Somehow I am still not used to my new plan for life. A few weeks ago, I would still say I wasn't supposed to dance that much when people learned about how much I danced every week. Now, even though I plan to continue on my path of pseudo-dance major, I sometimes still catch myself feeling bad for dancing a lot. Hey girl! This is what you're supposed to do now! Dancing through life! Learn to use your body to challenge and push my limits!

Oh other reasons of why I love dance so much!!! I love the sense of control I gain when I dance. I love I can use my body in a beautiful way. I love I can try on a new identity that is against my belief/value/personality (mostly when I do Latin), yet I don't have to own this personality or style of movement.

The most productive Saturday ever!?

No sleeping in today... I helped paint the deck at Betsy's house this morning, and then I studied for the anatomy lab final for over 2 hours. I went get frozen yogurt with Katie, and of course I practiced with Travis.

I so need to practice more, with my partner and by myself. Somehow I stopped taking risk again. I need to push myself harder if I want to get better. Goals that are not written down are wishes that will never come true. Therefore, here are my goals. I want to be a professional dancer (probably both teaching and competing). I want to be good at all 14 dances (Ballroom, Smooth, and Latin) to the point that I feel comfortable to say I know them. Steps can get me there? I think I probably need to work on my musicality, and I need to learn to be creative in choreographing routines. I will take Dance 264 Music for dancers and practice listening to music. I will sort out my song list for dance. I will study all the professional teaching videos on youtube so I can learn more techniques and teaching methods/analogies. I will look at people's routines and learn how to put steps together so they'll flow. I will take leadership development skill class from psychology department so I will be more assertive. I will get out of my comfort zone and start taking risks. I will make it to where I want to be!

Tomorrow night will be interesting! We'll see how the phone call goes. lol

P.S.: I got a new phone. It has a full keyboard so it'll be easier for me to text people. Plus, it's blue. I love it even more. =)