Sometimes I wonder if I make the right decisions in my life. When I start to take over my life and make decisions myself, I seem to stray from my original plans further and further. Is that bad? Why things don't seem to go well? I feel like no one recognize the efforts that I have put in. Am I just suck at what I chose to do, and no matter how hard I work, I wouldn't get good enough to be recognized? Am I being practical? People who I love don't seem to understand why I want to dance. They try to lead me back to psychology, which I still love but not as much as ballroom. I can't see where the road is leading to.

And I know it's time to stop thinking when this thought comes up. So goodbye.

50 Things/Persons I'm grateful for...

Even though Thanksgiving season basically mean nothing for me, I'm still thankful for all the blessings that I've received. I decided to make a list of them for future reference. Everything is kind of not in order.

1. Mommy: She gave birth to me. She feeds me. She comforts me. She's always there for me.
2. Daddy: Even though he could be very annoying a lot of times, I know he is thinking about what's good for my future when I am not thinking about it at all. He always tries to help me achieve my dreams.
3. YH: I've lived my whole life with him. He always put up with me. I owe him so much. If I could, I would give him a "My sister's keeper" award.
4. Alice: One of my best friends from Hong Kong. The other one is Wing. For some reasons, all three of us have quite different personalities, but we bond together really well. Now we're separate into three places, but we still keep each other in our heart. They always get a spot in my heart.
5. Wing: see above. 
6. Katie: She's probably my best friend here. I trust her, and she teaches that it's okay to be human.
7. Yuri: He's taught me so many things about life that I don't even know how I should thank him
8. James: He's my very first friend who has a connection to Asia (Korea). I know he probably will understand me more than other Americans sometimes because he knows the difference between the two cultures (hopefully).
9. Rachel: She's the first one who introduced me to the social life here in US. I believe, if I remember correctly, she's the one who first called me out to hang out. She's been my friend since then. If not because of her, I probably will still be that quiet Asian girl who go to class and then leave at the end without saying a word.
10. Sarah: She's on her mission now. I probably should write her more often. She's the first one who I feel safe that I can just go up and ask for a hug without being judged.
11. Helen: She's the first one who told me that I helped them in their growth/self-development
12. Tom: My first crush... lol Let's put it this way. Without him, I wouldn't be that motivated to work hard. I think I need to attribute part of my success right now to him.
13. Cherie: that cheerful girl who is younger than me but still sprints faster than me
14. Margaret: another girl who I am happy to see; We worked hard together
15. Clinical psychology: I'm grateful that I got a chance to study clinical psychology really in depth. Even though I probably won't pursue a career in it, I know I can use my knowledge to help my family, my friends, and people around me.
16. Ballroom dance: I would be surprised if I didn't put this one on my list. In simple word, it keeps me sane. It allows me to be myself. It challenges me to push to my limits. It teaches me what is beauty and art. It teaches me how to communicate and socialize with people.
17. Gospel: The basic foundation of my values and beliefs. Without it, I would be a completely different person. It protects me from the negative attitudes and things outside, and it teaches me to be an example to people around me.
18. Chocolate, cake, & sugar: They makes me happy :)
19. Rhythm: Even though I have a hard time to learn musicality and feel frustrated about it, the world would be so boring  without all these cool rhythm that makes you want to move.
20. Health: Without a healthy body, I can't do what I love (aka hang out with family and friends, dance, go to school etc)
21. Advanced technology: I can connect with my family and friends who are far away because of this.
22. Lyrics that touch your heart: It feels good when you find a song that says what you wanted to say
23. People who study medicine, dentistry, and difficult things like those: They sacrifice their time those fields so I know someone could fix me when I get hurt 
24. Uplifting songs: Nothing is better than listening to songs that smooths your heartaches
25. Fall: I just love the fall colors, especially the colors here in Utah
26. Snow flakes: They are pretty when they fall slowly from the sky
27. Soft comforters and fluffy blankets: They are just so comfy :)
28. Jewelry and pretty dresses: I love to play dress up
29. Curling iron: I love curly hair ;)
30. Make-up: Sometimes I love to look pretty
31. Laughter: Laughing with family and friends, as well as seeing they laugh and smile make me feel happy
32. Tears: If you can't feel sadness, you will never understand happiness
33. Smiles that come from heart: It feels good to find them back again after you lost them for a while
34. Lessons learned: They teach me how to grow and stay strong in the storm of life
35. Dance in general: I love to move my body
36. Guys in general: Even though they drive me crazy half of the time, they do make me feel good sometimes
37. Arts: They make the world more prettier
38. Crafts: One of my favorite pastimes
39. Ice skating: It's kind of dangerous, especially with those crazy people in the rink. I probably wouldn't like it because it might injury me to the point that I can't dance, but I still like it.
40. Different cultures: I love the diverse cultures, and the fact that we can still be friends despite our different backgrounds
41. Solid food: Why would I not think about this earlier? I'm craving for solid food right now ;)
42. Humor: I got to be thankful that I get a little bit of this because I look like a cute little chipmunk now. If I don't have humor, I probably will be grumpy and sad.
43. The kind people in the world: I'm grateful for their love and care
44. Self-discipline: I would attribute part of my success to the fact that I have pretty good self-control and won't settle down for immediate gratification
45. Disney movies: I mean those older ones, those that I grew up with. I love fairy tales, even though mine is not quite a fairy tale.
46. Prayers: Bottom few but it doesn't mean I'm less grateful about them. I feel Heavenly Father's love so much stronger when I am praying to him. A lot of times He has been waiting for me to ask for help so He can help.
47. Atonement: I can be clean again because of it.
48. Hymns and church songs: They're part of the uplifting songs, but I decided they should get their own category because they're more than just uplifting.
49. Rhinestones: I love sparkly things.
50. My body and spirit: Of course... Why would I almost forget them? They let me to be here on earth with my family and friends, and learn and grow with them.

I love my family and my friends. I'm grateful for all the struggles and helping hands in my life. I'm grateful for all the blessings that I have received. I need to count my blessings more often. I want to use my talents to help others in my future.

Happy Thanksgiving! Except this post probably would have nothing to do with Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is not a Chinese holiday anyway, plus I couldn't eat anything. Let's not focus on it so I won't let my saliva drip onto my keyboard.

So I don't really have a partner now. Travis told me he wanted to dance with his fiancee the day after my last post. Then when i talked to Karl, he said depend on how his school load next semester and if he makes Gold II Latin next semester, he might or might not dance open Latin since that's not his major focus anyway. I asked Jordan if he wanted to do open ballroom, but he said he didn't have time. He is putting a lot of time in Latin. Well of course, I asked him because he's one of the very dedicated dancers and without a ballroom partner. I'm kind of tired with lazy partner right now, and I don't know who I should ask. Maybe I'll just practice and polish my technique, and then we'll see what happen next semester. I might just ask people from my classes.

I realized asking people to be your partner takes courage, and you need to be very shameless and guilt-free. If someone refuse you, just move on. Don't take it personally.

It's getting closer to the end of the semester. Besides all my finals, I have 3 more papers, plus all the endless tests in my dance classes. Don't get me wrong! I love my dance classes, but I just have tested so many times that I realized that I couldn't cram for those classes at all. That probably made me less nervous when dance tests get close because there's nothing I can do.

Gonna come back again... Nap time for me...

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So why did I need to take a nap? Well I got 8 teeth, exactly 1/4 of all the adult teeth, pulled yesterday morning. I slept really well yesterday when the anesthetic still hadn't gone away, but then I couldn't sleep at night. I tried to control the bleeding of the extraction sites by sleeping in a sitting position, almost. It didn't work very well. I woke up at 6a, had some applesauce, and then I had my antibiotics etc. Then I iced my cheeks for like 3 hours so the holes wouldn't bleed that crazy. It kind of worked. Now they might ooze a little bit here and there, but not enough to look like I would die soon.

This time was a really interesting experience. My visiting teachers, home teachers, and nursery leader fought for the chance to give me ride and make sure I have soft food at home etc. Sister Jewett brought me pretty flowers. Sister Dabb dropped me off at the surgeon's office and asked if I wanted her to stay the whole time. I politely refused because I was afraid that I would start crying if she did. For some reasons, I wasn't scared about the operation till an hour before that. I got really anxious and scared. I felt really alone, even though I knew I got a lot of support from my family and friends. And when I am on the edge of crying, I can't stop my tears if someone starts being kind to me. Their kind words and acts will touch this softest part of my heart, and then my tears will just keep running out. Therefore, I'm kind of glad that I didn't let Sister Dabb stayed. I think I learned to be so independent that I only dare to let several people know my fears and tears.

A week or two ago, I was talking with my family, and we kind of talked/joked/chatted about future of all us children (my brother and I). My mom kind of joked that I wasn't always listening to her advise because I decided not to go to graduate school. She said she always thought I should get at least a Master's degree so I could have a future of some sort. I wasn't that happy to hear that at the moment. Later, I cried when I thought about it even more. It hurt when people you love and respect so dearly do not approve what you love and feel passionate about. My mom still thinks I should not choose ballroom as my career, but at least she understands my passion. I don't know why I feel so sad about this though. Anyway, I did start to reconsider my future plans again. I started looking into a Dance/Movement Therapy MA degree. I don't think I would want to go for a PhD degree at all. If I actually want to go back to psychology graduate programs, my option will be either DMT or sport psychology, which BYU offers none of them. That means I would have to stay at BYU till Fall 2013 by the earliest, and then go to other states and study for a few more years. I don't know what I would choose right now, but I think I'm a little bit sick of school (mostly papers, readings, and exams). And maybe mom won't be that disapprove about me dating him. Oh well... life is so complicated...

Did a lot of things happen last week? Maybe...

I'm so ticked off by my partner. I think I'm going to find a new one. I just can't stand the way he treats our practice. He probably doesn't even know it, or maybe he isn't planning to dance with me neither. Who knows? Anyways, he has to pay the cost.

Dancesport was fun. I'm pretty satisfied with my performance this weekend. I worked hard, and I think it paid off. Now I just need to work harder.

And I forgot what I was going to blog about...

Maybe I was going to write about him. I think I saw him on Saturday afternoon, but then I lost him when I was trying to find him again.

I think I love Latin quite a lot. Actually I love all styles of ballroom. Anyways, I love Latin because I can flirt with guys without getting into trouble or committing into anything. lol I think something is wearing away my trust in guys. There is a guy that I have loved with my heart, but I don't dare to give in at all. I don't feel secure. I can't feel I'm special to him at all. There are a bunch of guys that I think they're cute/funny, but I don't want to take any first steps any more.

Still forget what I was going to say...