It's been over seven months now since I started working here. Funny how much things has changed. Or I should say how much I have changed. I'm not sure if it's a good change or bad change. A lot of my values have been challenged. Some of them I convince myself I'm believing in the right thing. At the same time, I saw how different my values/beliefs are with my friends'.

We are having two teachers in training now. One day, the guy asked me if I'm happy. Somehow we got interrupted before I could answer it. I didn't mind because I know if I tell the truth, it's not going to be a pretty answer. It feels like the storm is starting again. I identify with Elsa a lot. I don't know how to control this storm inside. To the question, I can only say I try to stay positive, but I don't (want to) feel. I thought it was a curse. Maybe it is. Or maybe if I look at it another way, I could change something. Maybe it's just I'm capable of feelings, but I don't see how this power will help make the world better. These feelings are not colorful. It's grey most of the times. At least I could say I've been to the dark side. Anyway, this time at least I'm not alone. I really like the movie Frozen. I don't believe in fairy tales, but the happy endings give me hope. Anna and Elsa are like the two sides of me. When they sing the reprise of For the First Time in Forever, it's like the two sides of me are talking. (Yes it does sound crazy!) The least I can do this time is don't shut myself out. If I can't love myself, how am I capable to love anyone? I promise myself I'll always be here and walk this journey hand in hand.

I was watching a TED talk this morning about depression and desire. The speaker talked about getting to know people by asking what they want, what makes them feel alive, what is their dream, etc., instead of asking where they are from. I think this is a really good idea. These questions can really open people's mouths. I was talking to Ed today about his experience of following his inspirations and how that changed others' life. It was very interesting.

Recently, I started watching a show called "What Not to Wear". Two days ago, Tiago and Alexey gave me the talk about how now I should really push myself more and make a result because the upper management is starting to expect something from me. They even said they would help me to do a make-over. I really appreciated that. I just hope they will remember their promise and make some time for me. They are busy men.

I also pushed myself to be more presented on the dance floor for the last two days. It's not easy. This whole thing actually is really out of my comfort zone. I guess I never feel absolute confident in myself. At times I know I am not doing a bad job, but I guess I seldom actually be consistently proud of myself. I would be proud of my efforts or results, but people I care either didn't see it or they thought it's not enough. A pat on the back which I think a deserve didn't come the way I wished it would be. And then I just got upset and not happy about myself. Maybe I should stop looking for approval from outside. This will definitely make myself more stable. For example, yesterday I was trying to learn how to be a better social dance teacher. I practiced salsa and talked to my coworkers about how they bond with their students. I was on the floor in the morning and first couple afternoon lessons in the afternoon, talking and giving tips to people. Right before my intro, Tiago walked into the staff room and asked me why I was not outside. Definitely not the kind of pat on the back that I wanted.