Ha ha ha! Best Christmas EVER!!!! Katie invited me over to her house for Christmas' Eve and Christmas! I like her house. It feels so cozy and home-like, even though my home is never like that. lol I like her family as well. Being with them feels like being with my family. How they talked to each other kind of like how my family talk to each other. Food and treats were great! In conclusion, best Christmas ever... And I'm helping them to do Chinese New Year. I'm excited!

Katie's family is starting a wedding planning business, and Katie and I decided that she's going to plan my wedding. My wedding color will be blue and purple. No receiving line. Have music and places to dance. Candy bar. Nice lunch/dinner with our immediate families and my bridesmaids. Haha good times! good times! Maybe I should pick out my dress too. :P Now, I am one of those girls who start to plan their weddings way beforehand. Maybe I should start looking for my potential groom (aka boyfriend) first.

Katie is getting her wisdom teeth out. Hope she'll do fine.

For Chinese New Year, I really want to make sure they can try 湯圓 and 蘿蔔糕. Maybe I will have to make both of them... Well that'll be bad because I never do it before. Maybe we could find some substitutes in the Asian market.

I should stop staying up that late everyday and start get ready for next semester. Night! :)

Because of You

I apologize for the swear word in it, but I really feel like this song right now.

Sometimes I wonder if I make the right decisions in my life. When I start to take over my life and make decisions myself, I seem to stray from my original plans further and further. Is that bad? Why things don't seem to go well? I feel like no one recognize the efforts that I have put in. Am I just suck at what I chose to do, and no matter how hard I work, I wouldn't get good enough to be recognized? Am I being practical? People who I love don't seem to understand why I want to dance. They try to lead me back to psychology, which I still love but not as much as ballroom. I can't see where the road is leading to.

And I know it's time to stop thinking when this thought comes up. So goodbye.

50 Things/Persons I'm grateful for...

Even though Thanksgiving season basically mean nothing for me, I'm still thankful for all the blessings that I've received. I decided to make a list of them for future reference. Everything is kind of not in order.

1. Mommy: She gave birth to me. She feeds me. She comforts me. She's always there for me.
2. Daddy: Even though he could be very annoying a lot of times, I know he is thinking about what's good for my future when I am not thinking about it at all. He always tries to help me achieve my dreams.
3. YH: I've lived my whole life with him. He always put up with me. I owe him so much. If I could, I would give him a "My sister's keeper" award.
4. Alice: One of my best friends from Hong Kong. The other one is Wing. For some reasons, all three of us have quite different personalities, but we bond together really well. Now we're separate into three places, but we still keep each other in our heart. They always get a spot in my heart.
5. Wing: see above. 
6. Katie: She's probably my best friend here. I trust her, and she teaches that it's okay to be human.
7. Yuri: He's taught me so many things about life that I don't even know how I should thank him
8. James: He's my very first friend who has a connection to Asia (Korea). I know he probably will understand me more than other Americans sometimes because he knows the difference between the two cultures (hopefully).
9. Rachel: She's the first one who introduced me to the social life here in US. I believe, if I remember correctly, she's the one who first called me out to hang out. She's been my friend since then. If not because of her, I probably will still be that quiet Asian girl who go to class and then leave at the end without saying a word.
10. Sarah: She's on her mission now. I probably should write her more often. She's the first one who I feel safe that I can just go up and ask for a hug without being judged.
11. Helen: She's the first one who told me that I helped them in their growth/self-development
12. Tom: My first crush... lol Let's put it this way. Without him, I wouldn't be that motivated to work hard. I think I need to attribute part of my success right now to him.
13. Cherie: that cheerful girl who is younger than me but still sprints faster than me
14. Margaret: another girl who I am happy to see; We worked hard together
15. Clinical psychology: I'm grateful that I got a chance to study clinical psychology really in depth. Even though I probably won't pursue a career in it, I know I can use my knowledge to help my family, my friends, and people around me.
16. Ballroom dance: I would be surprised if I didn't put this one on my list. In simple word, it keeps me sane. It allows me to be myself. It challenges me to push to my limits. It teaches me what is beauty and art. It teaches me how to communicate and socialize with people.
17. Gospel: The basic foundation of my values and beliefs. Without it, I would be a completely different person. It protects me from the negative attitudes and things outside, and it teaches me to be an example to people around me.
18. Chocolate, cake, & sugar: They makes me happy :)
19. Rhythm: Even though I have a hard time to learn musicality and feel frustrated about it, the world would be so boring  without all these cool rhythm that makes you want to move.
20. Health: Without a healthy body, I can't do what I love (aka hang out with family and friends, dance, go to school etc)
21. Advanced technology: I can connect with my family and friends who are far away because of this.
22. Lyrics that touch your heart: It feels good when you find a song that says what you wanted to say
23. People who study medicine, dentistry, and difficult things like those: They sacrifice their time those fields so I know someone could fix me when I get hurt 
24. Uplifting songs: Nothing is better than listening to songs that smooths your heartaches
25. Fall: I just love the fall colors, especially the colors here in Utah
26. Snow flakes: They are pretty when they fall slowly from the sky
27. Soft comforters and fluffy blankets: They are just so comfy :)
28. Jewelry and pretty dresses: I love to play dress up
29. Curling iron: I love curly hair ;)
30. Make-up: Sometimes I love to look pretty
31. Laughter: Laughing with family and friends, as well as seeing they laugh and smile make me feel happy
32. Tears: If you can't feel sadness, you will never understand happiness
33. Smiles that come from heart: It feels good to find them back again after you lost them for a while
34. Lessons learned: They teach me how to grow and stay strong in the storm of life
35. Dance in general: I love to move my body
36. Guys in general: Even though they drive me crazy half of the time, they do make me feel good sometimes
37. Arts: They make the world more prettier
38. Crafts: One of my favorite pastimes
39. Ice skating: It's kind of dangerous, especially with those crazy people in the rink. I probably wouldn't like it because it might injury me to the point that I can't dance, but I still like it.
40. Different cultures: I love the diverse cultures, and the fact that we can still be friends despite our different backgrounds
41. Solid food: Why would I not think about this earlier? I'm craving for solid food right now ;)
42. Humor: I got to be thankful that I get a little bit of this because I look like a cute little chipmunk now. If I don't have humor, I probably will be grumpy and sad.
43. The kind people in the world: I'm grateful for their love and care
44. Self-discipline: I would attribute part of my success to the fact that I have pretty good self-control and won't settle down for immediate gratification
45. Disney movies: I mean those older ones, those that I grew up with. I love fairy tales, even though mine is not quite a fairy tale.
46. Prayers: Bottom few but it doesn't mean I'm less grateful about them. I feel Heavenly Father's love so much stronger when I am praying to him. A lot of times He has been waiting for me to ask for help so He can help.
47. Atonement: I can be clean again because of it.
48. Hymns and church songs: They're part of the uplifting songs, but I decided they should get their own category because they're more than just uplifting.
49. Rhinestones: I love sparkly things.
50. My body and spirit: Of course... Why would I almost forget them? They let me to be here on earth with my family and friends, and learn and grow with them.

I love my family and my friends. I'm grateful for all the struggles and helping hands in my life. I'm grateful for all the blessings that I have received. I need to count my blessings more often. I want to use my talents to help others in my future.

Happy Thanksgiving! Except this post probably would have nothing to do with Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is not a Chinese holiday anyway, plus I couldn't eat anything. Let's not focus on it so I won't let my saliva drip onto my keyboard.

So I don't really have a partner now. Travis told me he wanted to dance with his fiancee the day after my last post. Then when i talked to Karl, he said depend on how his school load next semester and if he makes Gold II Latin next semester, he might or might not dance open Latin since that's not his major focus anyway. I asked Jordan if he wanted to do open ballroom, but he said he didn't have time. He is putting a lot of time in Latin. Well of course, I asked him because he's one of the very dedicated dancers and without a ballroom partner. I'm kind of tired with lazy partner right now, and I don't know who I should ask. Maybe I'll just practice and polish my technique, and then we'll see what happen next semester. I might just ask people from my classes.

I realized asking people to be your partner takes courage, and you need to be very shameless and guilt-free. If someone refuse you, just move on. Don't take it personally.

It's getting closer to the end of the semester. Besides all my finals, I have 3 more papers, plus all the endless tests in my dance classes. Don't get me wrong! I love my dance classes, but I just have tested so many times that I realized that I couldn't cram for those classes at all. That probably made me less nervous when dance tests get close because there's nothing I can do.

Gonna come back again... Nap time for me...

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So why did I need to take a nap? Well I got 8 teeth, exactly 1/4 of all the adult teeth, pulled yesterday morning. I slept really well yesterday when the anesthetic still hadn't gone away, but then I couldn't sleep at night. I tried to control the bleeding of the extraction sites by sleeping in a sitting position, almost. It didn't work very well. I woke up at 6a, had some applesauce, and then I had my antibiotics etc. Then I iced my cheeks for like 3 hours so the holes wouldn't bleed that crazy. It kind of worked. Now they might ooze a little bit here and there, but not enough to look like I would die soon.

This time was a really interesting experience. My visiting teachers, home teachers, and nursery leader fought for the chance to give me ride and make sure I have soft food at home etc. Sister Jewett brought me pretty flowers. Sister Dabb dropped me off at the surgeon's office and asked if I wanted her to stay the whole time. I politely refused because I was afraid that I would start crying if she did. For some reasons, I wasn't scared about the operation till an hour before that. I got really anxious and scared. I felt really alone, even though I knew I got a lot of support from my family and friends. And when I am on the edge of crying, I can't stop my tears if someone starts being kind to me. Their kind words and acts will touch this softest part of my heart, and then my tears will just keep running out. Therefore, I'm kind of glad that I didn't let Sister Dabb stayed. I think I learned to be so independent that I only dare to let several people know my fears and tears.

A week or two ago, I was talking with my family, and we kind of talked/joked/chatted about future of all us children (my brother and I). My mom kind of joked that I wasn't always listening to her advise because I decided not to go to graduate school. She said she always thought I should get at least a Master's degree so I could have a future of some sort. I wasn't that happy to hear that at the moment. Later, I cried when I thought about it even more. It hurt when people you love and respect so dearly do not approve what you love and feel passionate about. My mom still thinks I should not choose ballroom as my career, but at least she understands my passion. I don't know why I feel so sad about this though. Anyway, I did start to reconsider my future plans again. I started looking into a Dance/Movement Therapy MA degree. I don't think I would want to go for a PhD degree at all. If I actually want to go back to psychology graduate programs, my option will be either DMT or sport psychology, which BYU offers none of them. That means I would have to stay at BYU till Fall 2013 by the earliest, and then go to other states and study for a few more years. I don't know what I would choose right now, but I think I'm a little bit sick of school (mostly papers, readings, and exams). And maybe mom won't be that disapprove about me dating him. Oh well... life is so complicated...

Did a lot of things happen last week? Maybe...

I'm so ticked off by my partner. I think I'm going to find a new one. I just can't stand the way he treats our practice. He probably doesn't even know it, or maybe he isn't planning to dance with me neither. Who knows? Anyways, he has to pay the cost.

Dancesport was fun. I'm pretty satisfied with my performance this weekend. I worked hard, and I think it paid off. Now I just need to work harder.

And I forgot what I was going to blog about...

Maybe I was going to write about him. I think I saw him on Saturday afternoon, but then I lost him when I was trying to find him again.

I think I love Latin quite a lot. Actually I love all styles of ballroom. Anyways, I love Latin because I can flirt with guys without getting into trouble or committing into anything. lol I think something is wearing away my trust in guys. There is a guy that I have loved with my heart, but I don't dare to give in at all. I don't feel secure. I can't feel I'm special to him at all. There are a bunch of guys that I think they're cute/funny, but I don't want to take any first steps any more.

Still forget what I was going to say...

A GREAT leap forward!!

Yesterday was Timpview Thunder Ball. Two years ago, I started my open competition career there. It was fun to go back and see how much I've improved. (Yup, I'm those kind of people who love to look back to the past.) In 2009, I did Novice and Pre-Champ Ballroom. Yesterday, I competed in both Novice and Pre-Champ for Ballroom and Latin. I wish I competed in Smooth as well, but I don't think a partner. Yesterday, I could get called back for the final for the first time, but there was a 3-way tie so they cut out the remaining two spots of the final.

Oh I fell flat on my butt yesterday in Pre-Champ Quickstep. Ouch! That kind of hurt. I think Eric was doing a left whisk or something so I trapped over his foot in the back. I kind of stopped myself to catch my balance again, but obviously Travis didn't notice I got trapped and just keep pushing forward. The end result was I fell flat on the ground.

Last week was quite an eventful week, at least psychologically... Let's see what happened.

Monday started off terribly. We talked in the morning, and when the second we parted and went to our classes, I felt a tear dropped from my heart. It was so light that I almost didn't feel it. Maybe I'm just too used to it. My heart was broken because of him, but I was left alone standing by the pieces of my broken heart. Finally, I was able to put myself into piece again and mend my own heart. Now he turned back and wondered if he could have my heart again. I can still see his name on my heart, but I decide to keep my heart to myself. Haha now it's going to be really awkward between us. Oh well... what can I say? I have my reasons.

Tuesday wasn't that great neither. The ballroom practice and lesson were kind of emotionally intense. I was still quite upset in the morning practice so I kind of carried that mood in my practice. I was so frustrated that I almost cried when we messed up our Waltz run-through. Then in the lesson, Travis again didn't give me enough space in the Quickstep. I was trying to catch up and ended up kicking myself with the hardest part of my heels. Both Michael and Travis thought I was fine till they noticed I had to stand on one foot. I almost broke into tears when I was explaining what happened... again... partly due to the pain, and partly due to the frustration... I'm such a crier. For the rest of the lesson, I tried to just stand on one foot because it hurt to just put pressure on the ball of the foot.

The next day, I found the foot that got kicked swelled up, and that was the day I had my ballet mid-term video. Great timing, right? It hurt even more to put on the ballet soft shoes because the elastic string was putting pressure right on the spot. So what? I still have to dance. The joy of being a dancer... ;) And then I saw him in the hallway right after team. I was walking up the stair, but it seemed like he looked right pass me. It hurt. Luckily, he still said goodbye to me.

Hmm... What happened on Thursday? Oh Tuesday... my afternoon class was kind of cancelled so I ran into James in the wilk. It was fun to do homework together, and I actually know Arabic. Both of us guessed on one of the questions on his quiz, and I got it right. I'm just a good test-taker. In fact, it was totally multiple guesses for me. Lucky girl! And the way James said "in reality" in Arabic was funny. I love my friends! Back to Thursday... nothing really special, I guess...

Friday... another day of nothingness... I went to the International Cinema to see The Maid. That was quite an interesting movie, I would say. The way that Raquel acted was quite neurotic. What I learnt from the movie is that different kind of interaction elicit different kind of response from people. If we want to change someone, or get certain kind of response, we need to find the right button. The same thing might not work for everyone.

Somehow throughout the week, I learnt to get through the emotional struggle by myself. It felt quite alone at times, especially I didn't quite be able to get a hold of my emotional support group. He is just like opium to me at times.

There are so many things I would like to put down, but I just don't have the energy to do so right now. Let's save most of them for tomorrow.

I talked to my mom again tonight. I guess I have a final decision. I just hate growing up. Why life has to be so complicated? oh and people as well... Actually people is the one who makes life so complicated. If I can just dance in my own world, life will be wonderful. Sometimes I feel like I live in my own bubble world a lot. Or maybe not? Interestingly, I picked ballroom, which involves A LOT OF partnering, as my goal when I get discouraged in social interaction so  easily.


Oh and I LOVE smooth!! We had our Waltz test today. I think I did pretty good given I don't have a regular partner (nor an open partner to dance smooth regularly) in the class. Marci said I was making good progress from last year. I'm so happy about that. I think I'm starting to grasp the concept of power and performance, and now I just have to apply it.

Oh my! I must have been really tired. I almost fell asleep, and my hand slide off the keyboard. I got four to five hours of sleep for last week and most of this week, and given how much I dance (and injury myself). Plus school... And my body is trying to adjust to my braces. I definitely need more sleep than that. Night!

I want to hang out with my friends. I want candy and chocolate. I really want a slice of super moist cake right now. I want to pass out on my bed for sure! Therefore, night again!

Last week was quite an amazing week. Monday was my birthday, but I didn’t celebrate much because I was trying to finish my paper that night. Plus, there wasn’t anyone that I could quite celebrate with. Katie and I went out for celebration the Friday before, and she works Mondays’ nights. It’s so fun to hang out with Katie, and I think she’s my best friend here in US. I love how I don’t need to censor my feelings and thoughts when I’m with her. 

I had my braces on Tuesday. It didn’t hurt at first, but my teeth started to get sore at night. Therefore, I couldn’t eat anything solid for like two days. 

We had our International Dance Lab on Wednesday night. I made quarterfinal for Gold Rumba and semifinal for Gold Foxtrot, when I wasn’t expecting anything from my Rumba partner. I danced pretty well for Foxtrot, and I wish Curt was grading me in the semifinal instead of my test earlier in the day.

Thursday… We had a Lindy practice for the Homecoming Parade in the morning. It went pretty well, and I started to feel good about that. D264 wasn’t too bad, but I’m just not good at instruments. What can I say more? Lesson was good, and I stayed awake for my Great Work Arts class. I don’t see anything I could complain about.

Friday was quite a good day. He finally told me what I had waited for an year and half, but I decided to give up on Monday already. A huge dilemma, if you may, and there is a whole lot of meat in the story that I can even tell. I felt pretty good about it on Friday, till I talked to my mom on Saturday though.

Saturday was the Homecoming Parade. I couldn’t believe I danced and ran the whole thing. It was so fun to perform for others, but my techniques were probably quite awful. Lol And I curled my hair for the first time. I love curly hairs. J The parade was followed with a lazy Saturday afternoon. I talked to my mom on Saturday, which was kind of like pouring cold water on a fire. I expected that anyways, and now it’s my turn to make the decision. That’s why I hate making decisions. Should I listen to my heart or my brain? Where does my personal happiness lay? Is it possible that I can see how the future will turn out for each path before I make my decision? I don’t understand life. There are so many in my head right now. I just love how every time when my life seems to going the way that I want or content with, somehow guy problems just love to cut in and stir up my life. Good job, guys!

Just an interesting thought...

Yesterday Yuri and I were talking about his TA job and grading. He said he took points off for what his students missed what should have been there. This was quite a natural opposite to what I believe. If I am a TA, I only give points of what the students answer correctly. I wondered if this grading style has anything to do with culture or belief in human nature. Somehow Yuri's style is saying that the students already have some points in their pockets, but some are taken away because what they've done/answered. Yet my students will never have anything in the first place. They have to earn their points. Is this kind of cultural view on human nature/reward system?

At least, mine kind of reflects how I view and interact with people. In my world, no one is trustworthy. I have a small scale inside my head, and what people do and say either add or subtract from the points they have on my scale. You have to earn my trust and friendship, and not until certain points, I will start to open up to you. But if you do something that I don't necessarily like or agree with, I probably will just keep track in my head and won't say anything. When my patient is all wear off, I will just leave and never come back again. Compared to some people who are more friendly and outgoing, the way I present myself probably sounds cool, remote, and not straightforward enough. I think so far around 6-7 people who I will let them into my world. Good thing or bad thing?

Honrs 290R could probably be one of my best classes ever, but this one girl in the class is very likely to ruin the whole experience. Her presence kind of intimidated me quite a bit, and the worst part is she usually sits either right next to me or a seat across. We're in a small conference room so it's quite awkward to change seat.

Have you ever had those kind of feelings that you need to write what happened down so you can re-read it later? It occurs to me quite a lot, but I seldom write them down. One thing is I'm busy with other stuffs, and I usually start to write long long paragraphs, instead of a few sentences, when I start recording what have happened. I end up not writing anything, yet I want to be able remember those memories in future. So here's what I'm going to do. Just a few sentences for what's worth noting down. I'm so sad I didn't put anything down for quite a while.

Dance 264 was so hard today. I think I'm going to fail the class if I relax just a tiny little bit. Music and all its theories are just overwhelming in a VERY negative way. Sometimes I wonder how I can dance when I don't get along with all these meters, beats, and etc.

So I asked Curt if he could be my mentor for my Honors Thesis before I left for Vegas. The answer I got today was no, yet I got a few book titles on research being done on ballroom. Some readings for me, which I would love to read! I haven't wanted to read something for a long time, probably since I've come to BYU. It's good to start reading again.

I got my Smooth shoes today!!! =)

American Heritage doesn't seem to be as hard as I thought. Dance 264 is what I'm worried about the most for now.

Oh and I scheduled an Orthodontic appointment in two weeks. Fingers tightly crossed!!!! I hope miracle has happened in the last 4 years. Please keep me in your prayers! I really really really want to have braces, especially now I want to be a professional dancer. I actually gave up the idea of having braces already when I came to US, but this idea came to me again when I was talking to Yuri about dentists few days ago.

4th Anniversary!!

I've come to US for 4 years by now. I wouldn't say life has been great and happy, but I did learn a lot. I become more refined and intelligent. My first year living in US wasn't that great at all, and I wasn't aware of that at that time neither. My first year at BYU wasn't terrible, but you know it's just the same routine everyday. School was all I could do. I started ballroom in my second year and met a lot of people. I started to socialize and make friends as well. Believe it or not, I didn't have any friends for my first two years living in US. Therefore, I'm really grateful all the friendships I have right now. Somehow I've convinced that I'm not likable so I'm quite amazed why everyone is so nice and friendly to me, especially I'm not proactive in socializing at all.

Today was BYU Summer Dancesport!

I was sitting down after I came back from lunch. Steven sat next to me and ate his. We watched and talked about the competition and dance. He made a comment saying I'm more of a Latin girl than a Ballroom girl. And he thought I was on back-up team or something like that. At that time, my only reaction was like that ~> =0=

oh and I wore my hairpiece today. That's different than the one I posted on Facebook. I just barely finished it, but it looked awesome. =)

It felt like a lot had happened today, yet at the same time I couldn't really count any major significant events.

p.s.: I would say this has been a pretty intense summer, both physically and psychologically. I think I have changed quite a lot. Good thing or bad thing?

我看不見面前的路…我是不是又再一次作了錯的決定？

I totally shouldn't go to the dance lab tonight. Maybe it would be better if I lost points for not going than being so upset after going to the dance lab.

A lot of people think I'm a decent dancer, whether they truly mean it or not. Yet I don't think anyone has actually understood how much efforts I put into in order to become a dancer like I am right now. I wish there would be such person in the world. I would just stop here now before I get lost in my emotions again.

Ha I danced 10 hours straight today. I think this would be my record because I don't think I can break that. If I actually break that, I probably would fall dead right on the floor. I'm dead tired right now. Even though I got something interesting happened since my last post, I'm not going to post them right now.

Just want to say a lesson I learned today... Sometimes we just forget to appreciate all the wonderful things around us. We don't know what we have until we actually lose them. What made me think that way? Well... The men's frames in today's advanced quickstep class made me really appreciate Travis's awesome frame. Basically most people in Gold I probably would have a better frame than those guys/old men at the camp. Oh and how good the BYU dance program is.

I almost cried in practice on Thursday. First time ever... It was kind of crazy. Anyways, I just think it's good to put this down.

Oh and I kind of finished stoning my gloves today. I might put more stones on them though. We'll see. I just need to finish my hairpiece, and then I'm good to go for dancesport. Hopefully I can finish it this weekend. I don't know if I will have time before BYU Summer Dancesport, except this weenend.

I don't have a partner for Gold I class competition. Whatever...

I'm going to Vegas for competition, and the I am flying to SFO to visit afterwards. Yay for first time getting out of Utah since I came to US.

I kind of feeling like crying in these few days. Anyone is kind enough to just make me cry, or give me an excuse to cry?

To Ruth

Dear Ruth,

Suck up and Dance! No more excuses! No more "I can't do it"! If you love it, suck up and practice till you can get it. Be proactive yet follow at the same time. I know it's easier said than done, but one day you'll get it. Time to push yourslef to a new level. It's okay to feel frustrated and disappointed, but don't forget how far you've come and how much you love dancing. Trust and believe that some days your dream will come true. Can you not see how much your balance has improved since last winter semester? Practice hard! Amateurs practice till they get it right, and professionals practice till they never get it wrong. It's your choice. Oh and learn to have fun too.

Love,

Self

"Through tangled thoughts I hear a mockingbird sing. This old world isn't really that bad of place..."

I think I'm almost done with all these ballroom partnering issues. I'm really tired. There are so many things I don't understand. Or maybe I shouldn't blame everything on other people and things.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

So I went Latin dancing with Chelsey and her group last night. It was pretty fun, as long as I was dancing with someone who actually knew how to dance/step with the music. This guy I danced with wasn't that good of a dancer. He always took steps without paying attention to the music. I am already pretty bad at rhythm, but he's even worse. Also, he always turned me in the most uncomfortable timing and to the less comfortable side. Good job! :P

Then I went home before midnight. I was a little hungry so I ate an orange before I went to bed. I woke up with my stomach acting weird at 3ish in the morning. The rest of the story consisted of throwing up and then going back to bed with this really sick feeling in my stomach. I threw up three times already in these two weeks, more than the past 19 years. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I do want to eat oranges. And now I don't really know what to do with the oranges at home.

I woke up this morning to do a service project with one of the BYU stakes. We built a river bed for one of the city park. I laid the rocks for like 2 hours. I'm so proud of myself right now, and I will totally go back and visit that river after the city people let the water into the river.

I don't really want to do homework right now. I want to do some crafts, or take a nap. I think that's what I'm going to do. NAP TIME!!

Get It Right      Glee Cast

What have I done
I wish I could run
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help
Hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
'Cuz my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just want to fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
Oh how many times will it take for me
To get it right
To get it right

Can I start again
With my faith shaken
'Cuz I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay
And face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this

What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
'Cuz my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just want to fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
But how many times will it take for me
To get it right

So I throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah I sent out wish
Yeah I sent up a prayer
Then finally someone will see how much I care

What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
Oh my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just want to fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
Oh how many times will it take
To get it right
To get it right

 ++++++++++++++++

So I didn't make summer team. Reason... I danced like a 280 student with advanced footwork in Waltz, which meant I wasn't using my leg. I'm really frustrated with myself. Almost like all my dance teachers have told me to use my legs, but I just don't. When will I actually grasp this concept? Why my performance can't be more consistent? Absolutely frustrated and disappointed with myself... the end... :'(

So I decided I'm going to let go of this feeling. I'm not going to be sooo obsessed with this silly guy to the point that his words and deeds can drive my feelings. I'm going to be myself. I'm going to have fun in dance and prepare to go to Vegas!! Usually feelings are something that you can let go based on decisions, but I guess I'm tired, really tired. I want some control over my life, and Katie and my mom probably is right. Let's just be friends! =)

And I desperately need to find a Latin partner so I can have a higher chance to go to Vegas. My mom wants me to go to San Francisco with my brother at the end of August, but I would totally rather go to Vegas. >3< Can I just make my own decision this time?

And Rascal Flatts is one of my favorite artists now... Same reason of liking Carrie Underwood... which probably doesn't make any sense to other people.

School starts tomorrow, and I actually miss Gold I Latin so I'm excited. Also, my psychology professor is my home teacher. lol On the syllabus, he said 3 or more absences will result in dropping grade. After he knows that competitions and performances don't get any university excused absences, he said I could just go because he knows I'm a good student and I LOVE ballroom. lol Last night, I facebook-chatted with a guy from my Hong Kong high school. We hadn't talked for like years, but he probably learned from all my status update and videos that I'm into ballroom dance. I just love that I love dance so much that even people don't know me well can tell. Yeah for dance, especially ballroom!

One of my new favorite songs =)

I Won't Let Go -- Rascal Flatts

It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It breaks your will
It feels like that
You think you're lost
But you're not lost
On your own
You're not alone

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh, it finds us all
But we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh, but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let you fall

Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I won't let you down
It won't get you down
You're gonna make it
Yeah, I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Won't let you go
No, I won't

Interesting... I haven't updated my blog for two weeks, but there were actually A LOT of things happened. This probably is a sign of "I'm going to abandon this blog soon". Let's see what happened.

Performance... Actually a few of my friends came and watched. Two that I knew of... It was fun. I practice hard for that, and I think I did my best so I'm good with whatever mistakes I made, maybe...?

Anatomy.... I'm done with it!! I totally screwed up the lab final. I was like one of the bottom 5, or something like that. oosp... Therefore, I studied my brain out for the lecture final. I spent 3 hours the Saturday before, 5 hours on Monday, and then another 10 hours on Tuesday. (I actually threw up right before I went to bed on Tuesday, and I don't usually throw up even when I am super sick. So you know how much my body was sick of anatomy.) Before I took my final on Wednesday, I studied for another 3 hours maybe. And I got a 97% on the final and barely aced the class. Yeah!!

Dance... as usual... Don't want to talk about it right now...

I went to a wedding reception with Yuri and Travis tonight. It's Seth's and Kari's reception. It's kind of fun. Summer term starts on the coming Monday, and 7am team and Gold I latin again...

You know what? I thought I might have a chance of moving out and living in an apartment after next summer, but now obviously not. I'm just so sick of here, and I want to move away from all this mess. I want to grow up. Sometimes you know you don't belong here, but you're stuck here. You're trying to fit in, but all these different forces are pulling you into different directions. Maybe if I don't have all these problems, I will be fine. I'm just worrying too much. If I just focus on dance and cut out everything in my life, I'll be totally fine. Whatever...

I < 3 Dance

I love dance a lot! I like the fact that I can learn about one's personality if I study one's movement style long and deep enough. Well... actually I meant one's movement can more or less reflect one's personality. Travis and I have been working on our Waltz technique. Today we decided each of us have something that we need to work on. He is going to work on catching his weight and not locking his knees. I'm going to work on pushing through and getting my head out there. What we need to work on are exactly opposite to our personality to some extent. When he actually doesn't lock his knees, it feels so much easier and better to dance Waltz with him.

Somehow I am still not used to my new plan for life. A few weeks ago, I would still say I wasn't supposed to dance that much when people learned about how much I danced every week. Now, even though I plan to continue on my path of pseudo-dance major, I sometimes still catch myself feeling bad for dancing a lot. Hey girl! This is what you're supposed to do now! Dancing through life! Learn to use your body to challenge and push my limits!

Oh other reasons of why I love dance so much!!! I love the sense of control I gain when I dance. I love I can use my body in a beautiful way. I love I can try on a new identity that is against my belief/value/personality (mostly when I do Latin), yet I don't have to own this personality or style of movement.

The most productive Saturday ever!?

No sleeping in today... I helped paint the deck at Betsy's house this morning, and then I studied for the anatomy lab final for over 2 hours. I went get frozen yogurt with Katie, and of course I practiced with Travis.

I so need to practice more, with my partner and by myself. Somehow I stopped taking risk again. I need to push myself harder if I want to get better. Goals that are not written down are wishes that will never come true. Therefore, here are my goals. I want to be a professional dancer (probably both teaching and competing). I want to be good at all 14 dances (Ballroom, Smooth, and Latin) to the point that I feel comfortable to say I know them. Steps can get me there? I think I probably need to work on my musicality, and I need to learn to be creative in choreographing routines. I will take Dance 264 Music for dancers and practice listening to music. I will sort out my song list for dance. I will study all the professional teaching videos on youtube so I can learn more techniques and teaching methods/analogies. I will look at people's routines and learn how to put steps together so they'll flow. I will take leadership development skill class from psychology department so I will be more assertive. I will get out of my comfort zone and start taking risks. I will make it to where I want to be!

Tomorrow night will be interesting! We'll see how the phone call goes. lol

P.S.: I got a new phone. It has a full keyboard so it'll be easier for me to text people. Plus, it's blue. I love it even more. =)

Will you trade your trial with someone else's one? Will you still do that if the Savior is standing next to you when you're deciding? Our Savior chose our trials for us so we can get the most out of life. In sacrament meeting today, Sister Danielle Lloyd talked about how Court had all kinds of lung and heart problems when he was born. I definitely wasn't paying attention of what the theme supposed to be, but I suddenly came to a realization that I'm grateful that I don't have any of those problems. Even though sometimes my knees and ankles suck, I don't have major health problems that keep me from dancing. After this thought came into my mind, I looked down to the opened hymn book on my lap. Coincidentally, the hymn book opened to Count Your Blessing. I guess that will be my song of the week.  Don't let trials and challenges blind your eyes and make you forget what you have!

"When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done."

You know you are growing old when everyone starts talking to you about dating, marriage, and future. I just had an very interesting conversation with my mom. I still don't know if I like her idea. She is thinking about hooking me up with one of our family friends, but I guess it's the other thing that we talked about got me the most......  

I suddenly remembered long long time ago, there was a guy at Orem High asked me a strange question. After he knew I wanted to be a clinical psychologist, he asked what would I be if I couldn't become a psychologist. I answered I would be a dancer, a sculptor, and a writer. I am actually partially fulfilling what I said. I'm a dancer right now, and maybe do sculpture for fun. I really want to spend more time in art right now.

I feel like I'm going back to my own world. I dislike myself. Or maybe I'm not going back into my cave. I don't know where I'm at. I dislike myself more even for that. Or maybe I shouldn't dislike myself.

So we finished our quickstep routine on Wednesday. We ended up having 10 1/2 sides of quickstep. lol But for some sides, we just run for half of the side so it isn't too bad. It's a super cool routine, and it definitely takes a lot of practice to get it right. I still get some sides mixed up, and I need to get used to Travis's lead. It's harder than I thought to learn another guy's lead, especially I danced with Yuri for 2 years. I knew his lead so well that I felt safe enough to close my eyes and let him lead me through a crowded 270. I guess it just takes time to get used to another guy.

I took my anatomy midterm this afternoon, and I got a 91. Not bad I guess.... I wish I studied more so I could get a higher grade. Now I'm not so sure if I can get an A in this class. It will all depends how I do in my lecture and lab final, and the remaining two lab quizzes.

Now I'm done with all the lecture exams, except the final. Monday is a holiday! So happy. Hopefully I can dance/practice on Monday. And I want a new phone. I want to compete in Vegas in August. I want to do art. I want to smile and laugh. I want to hang out with my friends. I want to be myself. I want you. I want sugar, chocolate, and cake/pastry. I want to sing. I want to go to bed. I want to talk to you. I want to make sense of what I just wrote. Have a nice weekend!

What I Wanted to Say

Dancers are the ones who make impossible possible, the unnatural effortless, and have a smile on their faces so the audience can't see the tears, blood, and sweat behind that step.

You won't know what you lost until you lost it. Kirstyn moved away so I lost my visiting teacher. I got assigned to another sister in the ward, but I don't really like the way she does things. I think I like better how the way Kirstyn and Rebeca did the visiting teachers. We just chatted most of the times, talking about things and our thoughts toward them. They didn't necessary pull out an manual and their notes, and this made me feel like we're friends rather than a girl who they have to visit monthly. I will absolutely miss Kirstyn a lot.

Another thing I've missed already is my old standard partner. Travis is not a bad partner, but he's more of a Latin dancer than I thought... I am trying not to be mean, but I am a little astonished about how we could dance together last semester. If he were a random guy I tried out with, I would not choose him as a partner. It always feels like I'm dancing side by side with him only. He doesn't really lead me to the point I think he should be doing that. Yet, he is teachable. It's possible to teach him all the theories and techniques I have. We're working on a tiny simple lead right now. The leading technique of the week is getting me into promenade... I don't know whether I should cry or laugh. Maybe it's possible to train him to be a more ballroom dancer. Luckily both of us got a common goal to work hard and place in competitions. We are willing to put in a lot of time commitments.

It's funny to see how every partnership works and interacts differently. The way I practice with Yuri doesn't work if I use it on Travis. How I communicate with Travis and what I demand from him can't quite apply to Yuri neither. It'll be interesting to see what kind of Latin partner I will get. If he is very different with Travis' and Yuri's style, I might have a hard time switching my communication styles between them.

After I decided I am going to leave psychology and focus on dance, I finally am able to admit that I love dance to the point that I want to win in competitions and be a professional dancer. I am not sure if giving up further education in psychology is hard for me. Being a clinical psychologist was my only dream since 7th grade, even though I didn't really know what a clinical psychologist was back then. Last three years, I spent more time on and learned more about all these different kind of psychological disorders. I have felt really strongly that this is the way that I can serve my fellow beings and God, but now I give up this dream for something I am even more passionate about. I once thought being a therapist and helping people was the mission of my life, but now I am putting myself and my own psychological state in front of those once-were-my-future-clients. I don't feel really upset about making this decision, but I'm just not sure if it's the right way. Actually is there a right way? Are we supposed to find a job that we love? Is it okay to change my mind at this stage of my life? Just keep dancing, and the answer will come. If it's not okay, it's not the end. =)

The New Season Officially Began!!

So I had my first private lesson on ballroom with Michael today. It's a new and exciting experience. His way of teaching is really interesting, and actually it's kind of like Lee's way of teaching the Gold II Tango, just even more extreme. When we started our lesson this afternoon, Michael just grabbed to dance with him. After he decided what he wanted the choreography to be, he danced with me and showed the steps to Travis for one or two times. Then it's Travis' turn to dance with me. Hmmm... maybe you are wondering if I skipped something. No I didn't. Michael didn't show me my steps AT ALL... Just like what Katie said, he expected me to follow and know the steps. This teaching style definitely is going to take me to a new level. At first, I kind of thought about we would just going to get choreographs from him and techniques from a BYU teacher because that's the cheaper way to go. (My poor wallet...) Now, I really like his style of teaching, and I think I can learn a lot from him, not just on dance techniques, but also on philosophy on dancing. He will be a great coach. I think I'm going to stick with him for the summer at least, since he probably will be the only private lesson I'm going to take. When fall begins, we'll see if I am going to keep taking lessons for smooth and Latin, depends on if Yuri can afford it and if I can find a Latin partner.

So Michael asked me what I came here for. For school? For dance? I said for dance. lol Well technically it was for school, but now school is my dance. So yeah... I stay here for dance. =P

Another interesting thing about today's lesson... I have to put this down because it just cracked me up everytime I think about it. Katie warned me already about how Michael doesn't really have a personal boundary, and after today's lesson, I concluded that he indeed doesn't have any personal boundaries. Before he started choreographing, he grabbed my hand and talked with us for a little while. Then he led me to another corner and started dancing with me. Sometimes he wanted us to re-dance one of the walls for him. He put his hands on both of our backs and walked with us. He totally broke my idea of the relationship between teachers and students. I don't know if I should say he's overly friendly and touchy. Maybe because he has danced way too much, and I came from a non-touching culture, the way he interacts with his students seems a little weird to me.

Anyways, working double hard starting from tomorrow. Smooth routines... checked. Waltz routine... checked. Now I just need to add on some practice time for Latin and ballet, and then my schedule will be overbooked with dance. But who cares? It's dance!!

I randomly started speaking in Chinese today... again... I did it first when I took 284. I totally remembered that. There was a fire alarm so we needed to get out from the wilk. I talked with a girl in class who served her mission in HK, and then I continued my conversation with Katie. Interestingly, I started speaking Cantonese to her, and feeling completely natural to do that. Weird... Today, during practice, I suddenly started speaking in Cantonese again, but I'm totally aware of I'm in a world that speaks English. Yuri probably was asking something like if I could do the step, and then I said yes in Chinese. I wanted to laugh so bad because this was completely random. I was talking to him in English, but I didn't know why I just suddenly switched back to the Chinese channel. lol

Tomorrow will be the first lesson with Michael. So freaking excited!!! Oh  Yuri and I finished choreographing our last two sides of our Waltz. I LOVE it!!

I so don't want to study for the anatomy lab quiz tomorrow. I think I'm a little burnt out. I haven't never studied so hard and so consistently with any of my classes in my entire life. Okay just kidding... Maybe I did a little in my high school junior year... Maybe it's good that I decided to drop my plan of going into graduate school.

P.S.: I need to write to Sarah asap.

Today so far was pretty good, even though I had 6 hours straight of anatomy. I studied for an hour before the lab. I had two hours of lab, and then I spent another three hours in the open lab reviewing what I just learnt in the lab. After I got out of the lab, I took a small drink of water, and then I felt like flowing up. Weird... I ate some chocolates and told myself to breathe, and then I was fine. I walked to and sat down at RB (and am actually waiting for practice), and the back of my head started to hurt a little bit. I guess 6 hours straight of anatomy is not my thing. I haven't never studied that hard and focused for so long of a time. Not even when I was preparing for HKCEE... I still had a few minutes break between classes back then so I could breathe.

We're kind of done with VW for team, and we're starting Samba tomorrow. Pretty excited!! Oh Travis and I finally are able to schedule a lesson with Michael. It's going to be 2p on Wednesday. The funny thing is we don't even know if it's a weekly schedule or just this one time. I'm not so sure if I want him as a coach. He's sooo unavailable. It takes him days to get back to us about what time he can give lessons to us.

I kind of want to try. I think I'm more ready than last year. Everything felt so good today. I wish it would last... Will it? It won't hurt just to try, right? Even if I try, no one can guarantee that this can be something. So why would I worry so much? Afraid that I'm going to lose everything?

Weekly highlight?

I just love to re-read my old journals and re-lived those experiences. It's funny to see how I reacted to things in the past, especially to things related to my middle school crush. lol I was really silly at that time. Maybe when I look back a few years later, I would laugh at myself of this time. But it's always fun to remember what happened each day.

So what happened this week? This was actually a pretty good week, but it felt really long for some reasons. I felt this was like a few weeks into the semester already, yet it's just the second week. I aced both of my lab quizzes and my lecture quiz. I spent two hours in the open lab looking at cadavers today. Dance wise... We had only 30 second left for the team VW routine, and we started like 5 seconds in our Samba routine. All I did in Samba so far is hit and hold a pose that doesn't require much techniques and energy... Lame... Btw, my Samba partner is Jordan, my old Latin partner. I finally could do the wipe out trick in the VW, but I scratched off my epicdermis of my olecranon (elbow), knee, and my lateral mellaolus (outside ankle). I didn't know how to stop myself neither. Oh well... I will get it somedays... before the show... =P Travis and I still haven't quite started our lesson yet because we couldn't get a hold of Michael, but we're thinking about doing the Neveda Star Ball near the end of August. That'll be so much fun. As for Smooth, Yuri and I remembered all our routines, and we're thinking about adding two more sides to our Waltz. That'll be fun to choreography our own routines. I probably surprised a lot of people with my decision of getting a new standard partner. In fact, there's still a small portion of myself doubting if I should do that, but if I want to push harder and become a professional dancer one day, this might be necessary.

I hung out with my friends a lot this week. I went to Toys r Us with Yuri on Wednesday. I watched "I'm Number Four" with Rachael and Yuri last night. I Skyped with Alice this morning. I hung out with Katie before her work today. We had a two-hours chat, and it actually took me an hour to tell my story of the two of us. Oh my heck! It's a super long and complicated story (I could totally write a short story for this), and I didn't realize how complicated the whole situation was till I told the story. We came up with four options for me, and Katie said I better took actions quick if I wanted this to be something. The question is how much I am willing to get out of my comfort zone to make this whole thing work, assuming it could work. I'm still not quite sure about this part, and I don't want to make the same mistake twice. I have never told this story in such a complete version to anyone else. It's good to have someone to talk to and get some advices because I can't do this on my own. To tell or not to tell... That's the question. Well maybe it's time for me to make the move, or should I be satisfied with where we are right now. Am I going to lose everything again? Are there anything I haven't lost yet? Can things get worse? Is the situation bad right now? I hung out with him three times this week, and all those time we spent together made me feel like I still have a chance to fix my mistakes. Is it just my wishful thinking, or it is real?

"Can I start again with my faith shaken?
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right"

Self-discovery 1

This became one of my new favoriates. I don't know if it's just me, but recently I figured out I have two recurrent themes in all my favoriate songs. They're either uplifting and positive song like this one, or they are songs I can relate to, which mostly are love songs. lol But of course, since I dance, now I like a greater variety of songs.

That actually applied to other aspects of my life. When I was in middle school, I watched tons of romance, and that's the only thing I read. My mom actually wasn't really happy with that. =P Now I don't read at all. Also, I can see this element in my quote collection. When I was in my mom's YW class, she had us shared one of our favoriate scriptures. I think I picked 1 Crointhians 13:7, "Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." I remembered my mom said she recognized I always liked those kind of scriptures when we went home. There was once I gave a ride to Ben, and he commented on the CD I was playing in my car. He asked if I'm a country girl. I think I didn't answer that. I just laughed. That CD did have tons of Carrie Underwood's song on it. I like Carrie, but I guess I put on that CD just because that CD was the songs that help me to be positive. It happened to be that a lot of Carrie's songs fall into my categories of positive and uplifting songs. Another interesting discovery about myself...

Have I made the wrong choices again? The world seems to tumble down... Maybe there's nothing wrong within me. This is just me.

I need to dance

“I believe that the dancer belongs to his time and place and that he can only express that which passes through or close to his experience.” – Doris Humphrey

Today I spent FIVE hours on anatomy. I had two hours of lecture review, one hour studying the lecture material, and then two hours spent on memorizing the terms for axial skeleton. I would say I've never spend so many hours on one class. This will definitely be the class I study the hardest in my entire college career... well maybe except dance... And it's really sad that I didn't get to dance much this week. I spent more time on anatomy than dance. I want to dance so freaking bad... =(

Team... kind of suck... But this is just the second day of learning the routine. I should give myself and everyone more time. I'm just like a mirror. I reflect my partner's skill level... somehow... If my parnter knows what he's supposed to do, I can do it right, and vice versa. Everytime when I try to be a little more independent, I fail miserably, especially in competitions.

Ballet... I don't know how to describe my feeling towards it. I love ballet, and I think my love for ballet comes right after my passion for ballroom. Yet, I felt like I went back to my days of D180. I COULDN'T hear the music. It's just a bunch of sound to me. I couldn't understand it, and of course couldn't dance to it. I didn't know how to pick this up. My teacher made it sound like really easy and should come naturally, but that's not the case for me. Oh my gosh!!!! What should I do? I'm just frustrated. I thought my musicality has improved quite a lot, but I guess ballroom music is different from classical ballet music. Help... o(>3<)o

I wasn't going to come back to blog a new post till the weekend, but a song that I heard on Pandora just got me so much. We started our VW routine in team this morning, and my partner is Michael. I don't necessarily dislike him, but I would never want him to be my partner. But why did I end up with him? because no one single guy wants to dance with me! There are a few guys know I'm not bad at standard or smooth, but they would ask other girls to dance. Maybe they know other girls better... Guys! Guys! Guys! I just don't understand them. No! not at all... It really frustrates me, not just this time. But guys in general and at most times... I know not every single guy will like me, but am I really that not likable? None of the guys I've liked like me back... Seriously!? I know 2 guys are not a huge number, and I should generalize to the whole male population. But for some reasons, I feel like there's always a line between me and the guys. They like me and respect me, but they just want to be friends. They don't want and don't care to cross that line. Is it because I'm not an interesting person? Because all I know and can talk about is dance and psychology? because I'm just pretty but not attractive enough? No I don't understand what I lack, nor how the guys' brain work. This probably wouldn't bother me that much if I am not at BYU I guess. Sometimes my church leaders bother me about not going to single wards and let dance and school take up most of my times. I don't usually care about that, but today I thought about that guy a lot, especially after listening to What Hurts the Most on Pandora. Dumb girl...

Let's forget about all those unpredictable human beings. I am partnering with Travis for open ballroom now. We are getting choreographies from Michael Johnson, and then we're going to clean up our routines with BYU teacher (don't know who yet). Why? Because I can't pay for Michael. He charged $60 for each hour. I'm quite excited to start some hardcore practices again.

I actually am quite pleased that I decided to try to double major in dance. No matter what the outcome is, this decision helps me to make some healthy lifestyle changes. Now I'm trying to make sure I get at least 7-8 hours of sleep everyday. Anatomy helps me to really learn to study and prepare for my class. It teaches me everything is possible if you put in the effort. Well we'll see actually... maybe I'll take this back after I failed my first lab quiz after spending 10 hours studying for it. But so far so good I hope. The dance major gives a new meaning in my life, and I need that so bad right now. Maybe it's my turn to stand back up and fight again =) Life will be good!

Bumbling!?

I feel like this blog belongs to one of those high school girls who fill with all kinds of emotional drama, but oh well if I can't be myself here, I can't go anywhere. And basically this is what this blog is for...besides letting my HK friends know what happened in my life.


You know sometimes people ask question about what you would like to change about yourself. Your answer can actually tell something about you, if you actually answer it instead of making up answers. I would totally want to change this small little part of my personality. I dislike myself because of my moodiness, the rapid cycling emotions, or whatever you want to call that. I freak out and get upset way too easily. So... dear Ruth, stop that because no one likes to see that. Well going back to what made me say things like that... Remember I said I wanted to double major in dance, and then I got some type of mixed responses. Some people like it, but some other people tried to help me stay practical and telling me that BYU doesn't like double majors. My very first reaction was wanting to tell them to back off and don't crush my dream. Somehow I know there's this possibility, but I thought efforts can overcome everything. Somehow I feel like my life is filled with bad decisions or bad timings. If I didn't come studying in UT, but stayed in HK and be an ordinary student instead... If I did come to US but didn't start ballroom... Basically I would lose all my friends in US and all the colors in my life, but at least there would be no joy to deepen the pain. What if I started dance earlier? Or what if I said I wanted to major in dance earlier? Then I wouldn't have over 90 credits and could actually switch my major, if they didn't let me double it. What if the past could be rewritten, would I still make all the choices that I made? But the past can't be changed...

Back to reality... I think I'm still going to take most of the dance major requirements even though they won't let me major in dance. I want to learn them, and if I want to eventually go into dance movement therapy, I will have to know those anyways. But am I still going to try auditioning? Yes... That night I climbed to the mountain top and saw the wonderful and breath-taking secenery, and now I don't want to come down again. If dance is the only thing that can make me happy, I am not going to let it go. Now it seems movements and words are the only ways I can express. I think I lost my ability to verbalize myself in most situations, especially in front of my significant others. Weird... and it has other sad stories behind...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

"When one door closed, it remains closed."

如果眼淚可以有流盡的一天，我想知道何時才是極限。

Sometimes I really want to just try once, without worrying about the consequence. Can I just bet everything on something I can't live without?

Starting to read my first anatomy chapter... In the book, it said, "Learning anatomy is, in many ways, like learning a new language." I can't agree with that any more. It's as overwhelming as learning a new language.

Double major in DANCE!? Heck YES!!

It's official!!! I want to double major in dance, which means I am taking anatomy and ballet this spring... =0= My new graduation date is April 2014. I'm super excited and happy because one of my inner conflicts is now resolved. I don't need to worry about how to balance psychology and dance. For the time being, I really don't want to put away dance and just focus on psychology. After graduation, will I go back to graduate school? Maybe... who knows? But I probably want to try to be a professional dance teacher/performer first. This is a huge turning point in my life, and I hope this is a good one. =)

A little talk with my parents... I hope my face is doing to be dried for a while. No more tears, please. =)

4.5 hours at USH... That's my longest record of volunteering hours. We dyed boiled eggs, made easter folder type thingy, and had bingo. I did my first bingo today. I organized and called the whole thing, but some people stood up and walked out in the middle of the game. I hope I didn't do anything offensive to them. Maybe I read the numbers too fast. I drip-dyed two easter eggs, and they turned out pretty cool. I wish I could keep them. Oh well those patients probably will enjoy seeing them tomorrow. When I was helping around, I bumped my knees several times, and they hurted kind of bad because I bruised them already on the day of Cha Cha video. Even though it's like two and a half weeks ago, it still hurts a ton when I bump a certain part my knees into something. I guess I hurted some of the tissues deep down inside.

Two more days till Spring term starts... Time to get back to dance and school! I still haven't found a partner yet, and I am not doing any ballroom technique classes in spring. I hope this won't make it extra hard to find a partner.

Soul Surfer was such a good movie. A simple yet powerful story... I knew the whole storyline before I even walked into the theater, and I knew I would cry after I watched the tailor. I basically starting crying half way through the movie. My face was wet, dried, and then wetted again. The story of this young surfer touched my heart. I guess I can kind of relate to her story. I know the pain of not being able to do the thing that one's passionate about. I know the confusion of not knowing why things happened the way they did. I know the desperate feeling of not being able to things because of one's limitations. I was so glad that that girl stood back up again when her world and dream was shattered by that stupid shark. Sometime it's just part of the plan. It will eventually build us up and make us stronger than ever. When can we get over this? I don't know, but I know the day will come... sooner or later... I admire her strength, and I wish I could do that.

"I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet."

I got a super sparklely necklace for my open competition costume. Oh and I bought a few more pairs of really really cute earrings... I need to find some rooms for them on my rack. Ha! I have way way too many earrings (41 paris in total, I just counted them), and I don't actually wear jewels a lot because of dance practice. Weird girl... Now, all I left to do is stone my gloves, and then I'll be so ready to start my new costume to compete. Hopefully I will do it before spring term starts again. Now my to-do list left with research proposal, data extraction, stoning, and helping with the USH party. I just don't really want to do research right now. Somehow I feel really burnt out, and I don't really want to do school any more... But life must move on, right? Do I have a choice?

Pancake breakfast at Sheri's house, and then she asked me to give her a ride back home after she dropped off her car at the tire place. I thought I was just going to stay a little longer, but I ended up staying for the whole day. lol We walked to Cherry lane Keepsafes or something named like that. It's such a pretty store, and they're having a warehouse sale soon!! I missed walking too. I didn't really need to walk after I got a car. After that, she discovered that I was going to bake cookies for my friends so she told me to bake at her house. I would love to do that because I suck at everything that a "good" Mormon girl supposes to know (i.e., homemaking). Owen came over again when he knew we're making cookies. So it ended up Owen and I were baking cookies while Sheri was trying to finish her last online final. Moral of the story is never put guys and girls who can't bake together and have them baked. :P After a while, we finally discovered why our cookie dough didn't look like cookies when they came out from the oven. It's because our oven wasn't pre-heated enough. Smart people!! Peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies!! Yummy!! The rest turned out pretty good. And then we met Sheri's mom... And and then we went to Zupas and had dinner... And and and then we went back to Sheri's house and watched Tangled!! It was so much fun. After the movie, we helped Sheri pack and move. I'm so glad that Sheri is staying at that house for next fall. That house is so cute and fits her so well. I don't think there will be another house that can show her artisitic ability more than this house. I ended the day with getting Sarah's cookies to James. The end.

Tomorrow I'm watching Soul Surfer with Katie! In Soul Surfer, Carrie Underwood is starring a young church leader named SARAH HILL! It looks like this's will be an uplifting movie. And somehow we'll hang out and go shop for my necklace for open competition. Am I excited? Heck YES!!!!

Then I'm helping with a party on Saturday afternoon for the USH inpatient. Probably another afternoon is gone. Sometimes I feel like I should save some alone time for myself. Too many things are going on in my life.

I Will Get There - Boyz II Men

Ohohah
Hey
Yeah
I've been wanderin' 'round in the dark
Been lost somewhere where no light could shine on my heart
I have known a pain so deep
But I know my faith will free me
[Get there] And I'll get through this
[Get there] I'll find my way again
So don't tell me that it's over
'Cause each step just gets me closer
(I will get there) I will get there
(I will get there) I will get there somehow
Cross that river (Cross that river)
Nothing's stoppin' me now
I will get through the night (Oh, yes, I will)
And make it through to the other side
(Get there) Get there
(Get there) Get there
I've been in these chains for so long
I'll break free and I'll be there where I belong
Hold my head up high, I'll stand tall
And I swear this time I won't fall
[Get there] I will do this
[Get there] No matter what it takes
'Cause I know no limitations
And I'll reach my destination, I will get there
I will get there (I will get there)
I will get there (Ooh) somehow (Somehow)
Cross that river (Cross that river)
Nothing's stoppin' me now
I will get through the night
And make it through to the other side
(Ooh, get there) Get there
(Get there) Get there
Well, the night is cold and dark
But somewhere the sun is shining
And I'll feel it shine on me
I'll keep on tryin', I'll keep on tryin'
I will get there (I will get there)
I will get there somehow
Cross that river (Cross that river)
Nothing's stoppin' me now
I will get through the night
And make it through to the other side
Get there, get there
I will get there (I will get there)
I will get there somehow (Somehow)
Cross that river (I'll cross that river for you)
Nothing's stoppin' me now (OhwhoaI)
I will get through (Through) the night
And make it through to the other side (Ohhoohho)
(Get there) Get there
(Ooh, get there) Get there (Whoaoh)
I will get there (I will get there)
I will get there somehow (Somehow)
Cross that river (I'll cross it for your love)
Nothing's stoppin' me now (No matter what)
I will get through the night (I will get through the night)
And make it through to the other side
(Get there) Get there
(Ooh, get there) Get there
Get there
Ohhooh
I'll get there

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Reflection - Christina Aguilera

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you’ll never know me
Every day, is as if I play apart
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I can not fool
My heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
I am now
In a world where I have to
Hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What’s inside my heart
And be loved for who I am
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don’t know?
Must I pretend that i’m
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
There’s a heart that must
Be free to fly
That burns with a need
To know the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel
Must there be a secret me
I’m forced to hide?
I won’t pretend that i’m
Someone else
For all time
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?

Last final tomorrow!!! I'm so excited! I will be so glad to be done with child psychopathology. Not saying I don't like kids, but I will be able to handle them. On the contrary, I took my clinical psychology final this afternoon. It was so fun. I loved that class so much. I like how I could say whatever I wanted as long as I had some rationales to support me. There was one essay question that asked us to create a treatment plan according to the integrative therapy. LOVE that question to death!!! So fun to write about that one. =)

Going over to Sheri's house on Thursday morning for pancake breakfast... Yummy...

It's interesting to see all these different communication style within all the ballroom couples. When I was dancing in Hong Kong, I saw one couple who didn't talk to each other at all during practice. Well at least those times that I was looking at them. That's why I loved their Tango, but not so much about their Waltz. Katie and Scott are another fun couple to look at as well. Both of them are sarcastic, yet they know not to take each other seriously. Hold on... maybe I shouldn't say they are sarcastic. Sometimes they're just lighthearted and know how to look at things in a different way. I have partnered with 6-7 guys so far for open, class, and for team. There are guys that I know I don't even want to be friends with them. For some, I know I can't be their partners for too long because I might end up killing them. I can be friends with them, but I can't stand their practice styles. There are a couple guys I really enjoy dancing with. Sadly I'm no longer partnering with them any more. We were such good friends and partners. :( I just practiced with Travis for my Gold II Ballroom final tomorrow. We are quite opinioned I would say. If we're actually going to do open together, either I have to shut up and do everything he tells me to, or I have to fight really hard to get him listen to me. For the things he told me to fix, he got a point in them. Maybe I would be the one who shut up... Actually that might be easier if we are actually going to dance together.

The Dimming Hope

This is the modern dance sequence I choreographed for my Honrs 261 class project. An extract of the paper I wrote that go alone with this sequence:

"My choreography is about the journey of a girl with depression searching and reaching for hope. At the beginning of her journey, she was trying to break away from the darkness and reach for help, with not much success unfortunately. Thus, the first minute of the choreography included a lot of reaching and contracting movements and some collapses, which symbolized her search and failure. In order to tie in the theme of reaching for hope, hands were the focus of this part of the choreography. In the second half of the choreography, she was more active in fighting her battle and reaching for hope. The movements had more variety, such as kick and gallop. Also, I included some staccato movements to represent her change in attitude. I ended this piece of choreography with a reach to the sky. This ending pose emphasized the girl’s struggle to find hope in her journey. Yet the end of this choreography did not mean the end of her struggle. This ambiguous ending pose did not make clear whether she found hope or not. I purposefully did that because not every single person responds to his or her treatment. I would like to leave the outcome of this quest for hope to the imagination of my audience."

James spent a hour to videotape me just so I could choose the best one, and then he edited this for me. Thanks so much, James!

I'm back to blogging... again?!

Today was the first day of the final week, and I'm done with 4 classes already. Three more finals to go!! After that, I can take a little break, finish my Honors Thesis proposal which is suuposed to be due 4 months ago. :P

I think I might start blogging again so I can actually remember what happened in my life. There are things that I don't want to forget, but sometimes I just couldn't put them down before they disappeared in my memory. Anything for now? hmm... Let's lauch into this memory lane...

Saturday, April 16

It was pretty interesting to see how I always see certain theme in everything. It is like I am wearing some colored lens. I wonder if it's the same case for other people. I bet everyone's lens will be different color though. In my Honrs 261 final tonight, we needed to comment on some movie clips. People who commented on the star war clip raised several different themes, and some of them were things that I didn't even think about. Interesting...

Wednesday, April 13

 I was sitting at the RB and writting a paper. Suddenly a girl stopped in front of me and asked if I competed rumba at dancesport. She said she remembered my face, and said I danced really well. I thanked her, but I secretly doubted if she actually recognized my face. Everyone knows how different I look when I put on my competition make-up and get my hair done. James actually said I didn't look like myself at National. lol

I chatted with Lee a little bit, and we talked about Hong Kong. I still wish I could tour back to Hong Kong one day with the tour team, but it seems quite impossible. I just want to dance for my family and my friends. Lee knows I want to go to graduate school at BYU as well but probably can't do team, yet he still encourages me to keep dancing. And then Amanda and Rachael told me to keep dancing as well after our last day of clinical psychology class. I think those two girls like me, or at least like my work ethic, because they invited me to do the study guide for the final with them.

I talked to Yuri at night. I couldn't believe I would actually tell anyone about this. Maybe I was really desperate.

Last week

Last weekend was the concert!!! It was fun overall. I loved the way I performed. I did my best I think. When we were dancing the piece, I kind of muted out the outside world. All I could see and hear was the music, my partners, and the team. When we stopped before the tag, I heard the whole house was thrilled about our piece. I didn't know if they responded to us at all during the show, but I loved their reaction at the end.

Bumbling...

What on earth did I do wrong? Why things are the way they are? I'm so tired and sick of all of these things, which I don't even know what they are. It's late at night, and I'm exhausted, both physically and psychologically. I have no clue what I am talking about. Tomorrow is the concert. Things seems to go pretty well, yet at the same time, I'm just frustrated with myself, everyone, and everything for no apparent reasons. Maybe all I need to do is go to bed, and stop thinking and feeling... Everything seems so distant and blurry. The world started spinning, and I feel like I can't stay on my feet any more. I just want to crawl back into my world and sit there alone. It doesn't seem like it will get better. When will the world hear my cry and my plead?

...

Dance is so much fun!! So many ballroom dancers at BYU are totally addicted. I'm so glad that I find all these people with the same passion as I do. :)

Night!

A very unproductive yet fun Saturday

Haha funny... I always got sold into a first date. I usually don't know I am going on a date with a guy, especially my very first date in my whole life. I still laugh whenever I think about it. Anyways, I went on a date with Travis. We were supposed to practice at 9am, but I totally couldn't hear my alarm and slept through it. Then we put our practice at 1pm. During our practice, he randomly said he hadn't had Thai food for a while and asked if I wanted to go get lunch with him. Of course he paid for the lunch. I usually thought guys will plan things ahead or ask earlier, but probably he just wanted a company. We didn't talk much, or maybe he was just tired and doesn't like to talk a lot. Who knows?

I went to get ice cream and go ice skate with Katie tonight. It was so fun to have all these girls' talks with her. :)

Therefore, I basically didn't get anything done on Saturday. lol

Recently I found out I'm a overachiever and a perfectionist. This is definitely a weakness, and this probably is the reason why I'm just barely surviving in life right now. I have too much on my plate!! Oh well that's my life. I still love it a lot.

I performed as a member of the ballroom dance company for the first time yesterday night. It was really fun. I did better than I thought I would. I didn't trip myself or my partner. I was late on hitting one pose, but it's okay I will get it someday later... :P

I found a girl who is like my best friend in US now. We have all these girls' talks, about guys, dance etc. Bascially everything and anything... kind of... It's just so fun to be around her, and btw her name is Katie. I'm going to go ice skate and get ice cream with her tomorrow night. Girls' night out!

...

I found a open latin partner!! His name is Jordan, and he was Sarah's 285 partner. We're in the same class now, and we're just going to use the class routines to compete. He's an amazing dancer. His shape in paso is great. His rumba walk is good. Oh my gosh!! It'll be a lot of work for me to catch up. I just hope my legs can stand it. My knees are kind of bugging me. They don't hurt terribly. They just sometimes hurt a tiny little bit for less than 30 seconds. It feels like they are trying to remind me how much I've been dancing.

Yuri remembered what I told him about Chinese. It's so cute to see him trying to learn Cantonese. :) He learned to say "how are you?" and "I'm fine". He actually said those pretty good.

Just feel like writing something down...

My thought is kind of racing a little bit. It switches around so fast that a second thought pops up before I can put the first one in words. I'm just going to stop thinking and put down what I got first.

I read a chapter for my clinical psychology class, and that chapter on interpersonal therapy was AWESOME!!! I am in love with that book, and clinical psychology as well. :) I really feel like this is what I want to do for the rest of my life, but sometimes I just wonder if I would be able to do it. My own issues are not resolved. How can I help others? Time to change? maybe...

I'm taking a class about psychopathology in movies, and for short I'm just going to call it film class from now on. We need to do a project/research paper for that class, but I don't really want to do a paper any more. I have so many papers to research and write about, and that honors class isn't that formal at all. Therefore, I kind of wanted to choreograph a dance as my project. It sounds fun, but can I do it? Maybe... I don't really have any background in modern dance, choreography, and things like that. Yet it's a film/psychology class. Who cares or who knows how well you dance and choreograph. If I have time and find the right song, I want to do it!!

Dance is always fun! We're starting to learn a routine in Jazz, and I feel soooo uncoordinated. Maybe I need to walk around campus and memorize the routine at the same time. Probably I will look a little psychotic...  lol Modern is fun too. We choreographed a short dance in small groups on Tuesday. That's why I wanted to do choreography for my film class. We finished paso today in Gold I Latin, and we're starting Rumba!!! Gold II Waltz... We're cleaning up the techniques and stuffs. Oh sooo much fun! Brooks said he didn't know there's so much technique in a hover corte. And I replied that's why it's so fun. Love dancing a lot!!!!

We finished the whole Gold II Waltz routine already, and we're almost done with the Gold I Paso routine. And this was like the second week of school. All these classes go really fast. I might ask Jordan to be my latin partner. Karson finsihed choreographed our Viennese Waltz routine, and Kirstyn gave us a real good lesson on technique.

I have been sleepy tired this whole week. I guess I haven't fully recovered yet. Yuri told me to go to bed before 10pm so I would have enough rest, but for this past week I always went to bed late. Maybe I should sleep more. I need to learn to go to bed early, and I am learning to take naps, instead of surfing the internet, when I don't want to do things at school. This probably will my knees and ankles to recover as well.

Still a little homesick, but not as much as last week... This week I felt more and more dumb about my decision made in last March, especially since Wednesday. ...

First week of school!!

The first week of school was officially over. Actually it's last week, but I was terribly sick during the weekend so I didn't post anything. I only had less than 10 waking hours from Friday at 8pm to Monday at 8am, and I was in bed ALL THE TIME. I drank gallons of water to the point that water doesn't taste good to me any more. Anyway, I'm fine now. My friends asked me why I was sick. I guess probably I worked too hard for the last year or so, and I was just exhausted. With only 6 hours of sleep everyday last week, the last two rounds of team tryout just totally worn me off. My whole immute system decided to shut down on me during the weekend. Blah... And what made things worse is that I was very homesick I guess. It's always easier to feel homesick when you're super sick.

This semester is going to be amazing. I got into Gold I Latin, Gold II Ballroom, and Ballroom Dance Company. Besides those, I'm taking a Jazz class and a modern class. Life will be busy but fun!For academic class, I'm taking 3 psychology classes. All 3 of them are somehow related to clinical psychology. Child Psychopathology, Clinical Psychology, Psychological Disorders in Movies and Literatures... Yay for clinical psychology!!

Ballroom隨筆...

給所有有夢想、尋夢中、已經放棄了夢想的人：

To whom have dreams, whom are seeking after their dreams, and all those who have given up,

在追逐夢想的路途中，我們或許會迷失了，或許會偏離了預定的路途……但請相信總有一天，我們會找回正確的方向，與我們的同伴攜手再前行。達成夢想的一刻固然令人感到興奮，但請不要忘記享受尋夢過程中的甜酸苦辣。畢竟，在一切完結的時刻，無論夢想實現與否，最難忘的仍是一路走過的辛酸和快樂。

We may got lost and go astray when we are reaching for our dreams, but please believe that one day we will find our way back, together with our friends move on to our goals again. We all long for the wonderful and amazing feelings of seeing our dreams come true, yet don't forget to enjoy the bitter-sweet journey. After all, what we've gone through is the most unforgettable experience whether we reach our dreams or not.

在這新的一年，請不要忘記你的夢想，更不要放棄！因為是夢想為平凡的生活添上色彩！

In this new year, please don't forget your dreams, and DON'T give up and stop believing! Dreams are what motivated us and bring joy and fulfillment to our life. :)

++++++++++++++++++++++++

2009年的春天，我初次踏入了270 RB，亦在那天跟ballroom結下了不解緣。每次跳舞的時候，我總覺得找回另一半失落已久的自己，跟Smooth更有一種相見恨晚的感覺。Ballroom教曉我去勇於嘗試，亦讓我學會自信。當在考試、比賽中出錯時，我學會保持笑容，將錯就錯下去。記得在我校校隊公開表演他們將會在黑池大賽參賽的routine時，Lee指校隊成員為了備戰這次賽事，他們努力不懈地練習。而直到表演那一刻為止，他們為這個routine的每一秒鐘投放了30分鐘去練習。如果你問我我有多喜歡ballroom，我會告訴你我喜歡跳舞到願意做跟那班校隊成員一樣程度的練習。Ballroom對我來說，並不只是一個社交場合，一個結識朋友的地方。它已經昇華至一種藝術、一個夢。

I started ballroom in Spring 2009, and since then I've fallen in love with ballroom, especially Smooth. I wish I started Smooth earlier. Everytime I dance, it seems like I found the other half of me. Ballroom taught me to be confident and dare to try. Whenever I mess up in a test or a competition, I learnt to fake a smile and keep dancing. I remembered, in the Blackpool Premiere Showcase, Lee said the tour team people put in 30 minutes for every second of the routine. If you ask me how much I love to dance, I will tell you I love dancing to the point I am willing to put in the same effort as all the people in the tour team did. To me, ballroom is not merely a social place, or a place to meet new people. Ballroom is an art. It's a dream.

兩年前的我不會，亦不敢相信自己可以跳舞。如果天分可以有負數的話，我絕對是從一個低於零的地方出發。論柔軟度，我沒有；論天資，我欠缺。一年前教練說的話、作出的糾正，我到最近才初次理解她所指的是什麼。我平日絕不會穿高跟鞋，而你要膽小如鼠的我穿著2吋半的高跟鞋在舞池上倒後走，還要有其他參賽者在舞池上橫衝直撞。你在開玩笑的吧？至於節奏感呢？絕對欠奉！音樂對兩年前的我來說，只是另一種外語——一種我分不出一個measure的起止，一種我聽不出每一拍的外語。現在的我雖然進步了不少，但比起那些天生節奏感強我太多的美國人，我依然成不了大器。我這種內斂害羞的性格，加上我在崇德對男生退避三舍的德行，要我跟我的舞伴跳舞起初真的有點困難。XDD我這個自小在書堆中長大的人，跟那些自小在舞鞋為伍的人比較，我沒有那一點可以優勝過她們，但在對ballroom的熱愛和願意練習的心，我絕不輸於任何人。

Two years ago, I couldn't, and wouldn't, believe that I could actually dance. If it's possible to get a negative on the measurement of talent/gift, I definitely started there two years ago. I wasn't flexible nor had the aptitude to understand how to move my body. I couldn't fully understand and do what Kirstyn had been telling me to do, not until a year after the lessons. Believe it or not, I've never wore heels before I did ballroom. And you ask a person timid like me to travel and reach back in 2.5 inches heels while there are tons of competitors whose floorcraft is still questionable. Are you kidding? How about my musiciality and sense of rhythm? NO, not even exist... Rhythm was another crazy foriegn language to me two years ago. I couldn't tell the phasing, and I couldn't hear any beats at all. Trying to count the beats was like trying to tell the beginning and the end of a sentence when Katie speaks Italian to me. Now I've come a long way, but still... I have a lot to catch up on compared to those Americans. Besides, I am actually still amazed how I could possibly get close and dance with my partners when I first started ballroom, given my reserved personality and all the restriction on dating in Hong Kong (which makes me not understand boys, and thus scared by them and not trusting them at all). A person like me can never get better than those girls who grew up in dance studios, and unfortunately ballroom world is full of competition. Yet, my passion for ballroom will never diminish. :)

回想起這一年半以來走過的路，我只可以用一波三折來形容。在初學ballroom的時候，父母總有一點點反對，或許怕我只是一時興起，又或許怕我會兼顧不了學業。雖然一直以來，我父母在學業上從不過問，對我所做的事絕對信任，可是對我們這班香港人來說，無論你有多不情願也好，在耳濡目染下你總不能不把學業放在首位。所以我可以說我現在跳舞的機會是用高GPA來換取的。在確保跳舞班的成績不會拖累我的GPA的同時，我亦要鞭策自己在其他學術班上的成績要保持在A級狀態。在這雙重壓力上，再加上為了準備上研究院而跟教授們做的研究和即將要開始的Honors Program的論文，我總覺得我在不斷重活HKCEE那年的心理壓力。做不好，就完了。香港文化？自己個性驅使？兩者皆是吧……（至於上了研究院後要不要繼續跳舞，現在的我擔心不來，就讓將來的自己去擔心吧……）在學舞的初期，我說服自己去明白我不會有機會去表演、比賽，學舞只是為了興趣。隨著時間的推移，我得到了參加公開賽的機會，而身邊的人總讓我相信我有機會進入校隊。這一切一切都讓那個小小的夢醞釀發酵成一個過大的美夢。我曾經幻想有一天我可以入選tour team，跟著其他人巡遊表演。然後，機緣巧合下，我們會到香港表演。那樣我就可以邀請我以前的老師和同學、我的朋友、我兩位好姊妹、我的親戚來看我表演。現在，幻想已成空想。在餘下的有限時間內，校隊能不能進也成問題。曾經我以為努力可以改變一切，可以彌補先天的不足，但我看不到面前的路。而我這一年多，尤其是這四個月以來努力不懈的練習，換來的只是一對受傷了的腿、兩個星期的強迫休假和來自無數人的忠告叫我不要太努力練習。

I would have to say my journey for the past year and a half was quite bumpy. When I first started ballroom, my parents were that supportive. Maybe they thought I would give up very soon again, just like all my efforts in learning ballet, piano, and traditional Chinese dance. Or maybe they were just afraid I couldn't keep up with my schoolwork while I danced. For most, if not all, Hong Kong people, academic should always come first when you're in school, and dance, music, and art are not anywhere near the cutoff for academic at all. Therefore, I literally have earned my opportunity to dance with my GPA. I need to make sure I can't let my dance grades drag my GPA down while I have to keep all my grades in the A range so I can for sure get a scholarship. Added on to that, I am doing research to prepare for graduate school application and working on my Honors Thesis. All of these make my life feel like the days of HKCEE, which was a series of crazy huge public examinations for all the high school juniors in Hong Kong. I always feel like if I don't excel in everything I do, everything is over. Learned this from Hong Kong? Or is it just my personality? Probably both... When I first started ballroom, I convinced myself I would never be able to compete nor perform. I danced for fun. As time passed by, Yuri asked me to compete open with him, and people kept telling me that I could make it to team. Somehow all these little things got put together into a big dream. Once I wish I would make it to the tour team and tour with the whole team. Somehow we would tour to Hong Kong, and then I could invite all my old teachers and classmates, friends and family to come watch. Now it seems impossible. I thought efforts could change things up. I thought hardcore practices could make up for all the differences, but I can't believe in that any more. For the past year, especially the last four months, all I got from my efforts were a pair of injured legs, two weeks of forced break from practice, and lots of people telling me to stop practicing so hard.

在尋夢的迷宮裡碰上死胡同是少不免的事，而我很慶幸每一次總有人為我指點一條新的路。面對那些怒海中的燈塔，我只能以感激不盡來形容。當我在超強壓力下迷失了方向，我的朋友會要求我回家休息，放鬆一下。當我對自己失去信心時，我的朋友讓我明白我還是衝得過一切障礙。當我以為一切努力都是白費時，我的朋友教會我目標的意義和作用。這個semester發生了一些事，讓我重新審視自己學舞的原因。這一年半的路程中，我越來越偏離了原有的軌道。我被現在的自己影響太多，而忘了去發掘一個新的自我。現在，我回想起我初學ballroom時決定的目標：透過舞蹈為自己、舞伴和觀眾帶來歡樂。在餘下的路程中，我或許會再次迷途。願那時候我可以借別人的幫助找回正確的路~

 I'm just glad to have people point me back to the right direction whenever I got lost. They're the lighthouse in the stormy sea, and I'm forever grateful for them. When I felt really frustrated about my dancing but didn't know how to fix it, Ruzz jumped in and gave me something to work on. When I had my very first breakdown at school, Rachel stopped me from keep practicing, gave me a hug, and then sent me home. When I completely lost confidence in myself, Yuri always told me that he believed in me. When I thought I could never be good enough, Nanette taught me the meaning and purpose of setting goals. Something happened recently, and it made me reconsider why I danced. For the past year, I strayed from my original goal. I got lost in this fascinating world of competition and team thingy, and I forgot about the fulfillment and sense of control that ballroom brings to me. Now, I remember the goal I set when I first started: put a smile on my, my partners', and my audience's faces. For the upcoming journey, I might get lost again. Hopefully my friends will still be there to guide my path...

(Translated on March 15)